Its sitting in the back of my mind.

I think I'm getting bad again. Its starting, slowly, creeping in just around the edges of my thoughts, subtle and cautious, so it doesn't get caught and pushed out before it can take hold. Its how it always starts. I was on a friend's tumblr today and there was a picture of cuts, surface cuts, not much damage really, superficial when it comes down to it. They were beautiful. I stared at them for over 10 minutes. That's how I know its lurking in my mind again. I think its hiding out at the back near the chest of drawers it knows I don't like going near. (I know that sounds cringey but I section up my memories as best I can and all the nasty ones go in that chest of drawers) It only leaves to do a quick skate across the forefront of my mind before flying back to wherever its residing. I'm not sure I want it. Like, its always going to be this huge part of my life and there are going to be times when I slip deeper and deeper into it and I do fail to keep up my clean streak, I know that, but I don't know if I can handle another bout of 12+ months of complete and utter darkness. I don't know whether this time will be the time I just cant cope with it. The time there's no getting up from. I have that sick feeling in my stomach like its waiting for something, its nervous about something, like it knows something I don't. I just have to stay positive I guess. Hopefully if I try and be as positive as possible it won't find that footing to get back in control of me. I am in control. For now. Its kind of hard to be positive though when the only person you want to be around 24/7 barely notices you, barely realises you exist. I just want to scream most of the time because why can't I be as good as her? I hate how whiney I get when I want something so badly that's impossible for me to have. 
 When I get to this stage in my spiralling downwards again I like to spend time at places that most people don't go, to clear my head. Sometimes I go to the hills, sometimes I go to the cemetery. I know that sounds morbid and stuff but its not, its peaceful, its tranquil, the cemetery allows me to think without the distraction of people. I wander around trying to find my great-grandmother's plot. It gives me time to think and even if I don't find it I still feel closer to the woman I never knew, that sounds stupid but I don't care. I never bump into anyone I know in the cemetery. Or on the hill for that matter. You don't tend to find people I know in quiet places. They all like to be around people, they don't like to hear their own thoughts. I hope he talks to me again soon. Sad I am. Bye my Angels <3