Sorry for being so shit.

I hate that awful moment that happens everyday where you think you're doing okay and that you're wanted in life and then you realise you're fat and ugly and actually you could leave your friendship group, could leave the planet and absolutely no one would give a shit about it. At the moment I've been on the same level for days, I've been a 1. I've noticed that the lower I feel the better I get at hiding everything, at avoiding conversations about myself and helping other people, if I ever do get to become a counsellor I'll have to stay at 1 to help people to the best of my ability. The worst thing is about this mood is that I have no one to talk to about anything, no one who would understand or at least try and comfort me, none of my friends have been picked for that ability, they've all been picked for the simple fact that they like to keep conversations focused on themselves and away from other people, the perfect friends for hiding my pain in plain sight. I hate that everything I do is planned, sometimes not even consciously, my brain just sets to work thinking up new ways of hiding everything. I'm not sure what I'll do next month, I have this party and wedding and I'm wearing a short(ish) dress and I really hope it doesn't show of my scars. I'll obviously be wearing tights but if I get drunk at the party and take them off I hope they don't show, they'd be hard to explain. I sort of hope I don't get drunk because I don't want to be a whore with people from college, I mean, it'd be fun, but the repercussions at college would be...disastrous. I miss having someone to talk to, I mean, I know I talk to this and I know sometimes I get reply's but its not the same as talking to someone. I used to talk to my best friend (E) but now a days she doesn't seem to want to talk to me, doesn't seem to care whether I exist or not, I knew we'd grow apart one day but I hoped it'd be later on in life. I wish I knew why I felt so awful, wish I knew how to combat it, I just feel like my body is trying to find a nice way to kill itself. I just want to curl up in a ball and hibernate for a few hundred years until this goes away. But then again, this is what I deserve so its about time I just faced this and dealt with it like everyone else has to. My thoughts aren't coherent or structured tonight and I apologise, I'm sorry for being so shit. Bye my Angels <3