Disturbing memories replace my nightmares.

Last night my dream was a memory, disturbing and frightening but not a nightmare, a memory. I went to sleep hoping that when my sister was older she wouldn't treat anyone as her father had treated me (its her birthday tomorrow, I wasn't just randomly thinking it) but instead of having a nice dream of her being good with kids when she's older or no dream at all I got the memory of a very dark and scary time in my life. I know some people have it a lot worse than I did, I mean, my sister's father left thinking he was clever and that we'd all beg him to come back but mum didn't let him back in the house, but still, at the time I was petrified of him. Sometimes at night, when I've just woken up from a nightmare that was particularly horrifying I can still feel the pain on my back where his belt used to strike me, I've never actually checked to see if there are any marks still there but as it wasn't just the leather side of the belt he used to hit me with there probably are scars. I look back on that little man now with pity because as un-trusting and walled-off as he made me today he doesn't control me any more, yes I still involuntarily flinch when something makes a loud cracking noise and I won't ever like belts or letting people close to me for fear I'll be hurt, but he cant actually do anything to me any more, he has nothing, no wife, no house, no job. I think it was counsellor number 4 that asked me once if my issues could have sprouted from the actions of this man and I never really gave it thought but thinking about it, I guess partially they could have some roots with him but I don't think it was all his doing, I think it was lots of the events from my early childhood. I don't think I'll ever be able to tell anyone about my past, not really, my counsellors (past and present) only know tiny bits of it, the less awful bits, they don't really even know the extent to which this man hit me. I don't think I'll be able to stand the way someone would look at me if they knew everything, they'd probably be disgusted with me, hate me or worse, pity me, maybe they'd just leave my life and never return telling everyone they know to stay away from me, I can't chance any of those things, people from my life cant know, they'd judge me, I can't stand being judged any more. Bye my Angels <3