A matter of life or death.

I wish I wasn't so bloody insecure about my body, that I could either be really thin and like it or just like myself as I am like 'fat amy' from pitch perfect. But I am insecure, really insecure. When I get thin (which I'm working on) I'm sure I'll feel better about myself. I think I annoyed one of my friends the other day, he's one of the ones I occasionally have fun with because he's no strings, no commitment, simple. But he wanted to try something different, he wanted to 'go down' on me (I really hate that phrase but its so much better than all of the other ones people use) and I cant deal with people doing that. Last time someone did that was during the Incident and they got their lighter out and burnt all the side of my leg at the top of my thigh, I think they were actually aiming for my vagina but they missed so I have this ugly scar now from the burns and every time someone tries to do that I just freak out a little bit, flashbacks are a bitch. I wish I actually trusted someone enough to share all of this with them, all of my problems, my flaws, but they wouldn't understand, they'd judge me or laugh at me, call me a freak or tell everybody. I wish I was simple, didn't have to deal with these complications. Or at least only had one thing wrong with me like that, I reckon someone could write a book on freaks and I'd be in it. You know, I think I've only given this blog out to 4 people and all of them have forgotten about it I'm sure, I'm not sure why I gave it them really, maybe I thought they'd understand, they'd care, they didn't. I knew they wouldn't, on some level I knew I would always be alone with this, I've made it that way, stopped people from really being allowed to see me, stopped them from asking questions, from caring, pushed them away but kept them close enough so they think they know me, I'm good at that. My friend tried to commit suicide yesterday, she texted my friend (because I don't have a phone) the word I told her to use if she knew she was actually going to do it, I had to skip psychology, I hope my teacher understands but this actually was a matter of life and death. I don't feel happy about saving her, I feel awful, I should have seen the signs sooner, if I hadn't been so busy focusing on college work I would have spotted them, I could have done something about it but I didn't and she got half way over the edge before I could be there for her. I'm at like, 1 on the scale today, that is not good, I should be better than that but I'm not. Oh well, at least everyone is safe for now. Bye my Angels <3