The calming clarity of cutting in a carriage.

There's a certain kind of calming clarity I get when cutting in an empty carriage on a train. The whole world is passing you by so quickly but you can get yourself into focus. I don't think I could ever cut with people around me because that's just begging for the attention, you couldn't be more obvious if you were swinging around a big flag with 'cutter' on it and pointing to your wrist, but at the back of the train all on my own, its like my own little secret hidden from the world in plain sight, but no one would ever stop to look long enough, its perfect. I never used to cut on my arms, I could avoid it by cutting lots on my hips at nights, but just lately I've been waking up to chaos in the cranium. I try and avoid my arms because they're so obvious and if I forget and take off my jumper/cardie that day I'm screwed but sometimes I just need the release and my hips are too far away to get to in time. Something weird, almost like instinct takes over and it doesn't matter where or how deep I do it, it just has to be done exactly then. Apparently 100 star jumps takes off 1 pound, I did not know that, so if I do like, 14000 star jumps in a week along with my normal exercise I'll be a stone lighter each week, I know it will never work out like that but it makes it sound so much easier to lose all of the weight on me, that extra motivation. I have a dilemma, on the 25th of next month I have a wedding, and a party. The wedding is 'posh' and the party is a time for me to wear slutty dresses, I'm not sure there is a possible way that I am going to be able to pull off finding two dresses to match the same pair of shoes and make-up. There is no way I can wear a posh formal dress to a slutty party. Why do people always put events on the same day, they should plan around me, that way, I can always attend everything. And I know what I'd be doing at the wedding, I'd be sat at the back of the room dealing with my 'autistic' cousin screaming because the attention isn't on him and then I'd have to take him out of the church because he was disrupting too much and then I'd get dagger eyes for the rest of the evening because I was with the child that caused all the commotion at the wedding. I need a new dress regardless so at least I have two excuses... My father comes back on wednesday, he didn't tell me, I found out via my grandad. I don't want to see him, he gave up the right to see me when he told me I'd been 'brainwashed' into being against him because I told him that he was going against the law avoiding the CSA. Now I'm his 'brainwashed offspring I wonder which country he'll run to next to get away from me, maybe Syria, he'll get himself shot or something just so he doesn't have to be near me (not trying to make light of a bad situation/war-zone there but that is something he would actually do) People keep saying its his loss, that he's missing out, I don't see it, there's nothing special about me, he's not missing anything, I'm just another worthless nobody. Bye my Angels <3