She made me Feel and I threw that away, silly me.

For a long time now its felt like if I say I 'love' someone I'm giving up some part of my, I'm taking down one of my many walls of protection and I'm making it easier for people to hurt me. Sometimes on my bad days, I don't think I have the right to feel love, I don't have the right to have that emotion in my bank, its not on the cards for me because fuck-ups don't deserve happiness. I feel that because the males in my life that should 'love' me don't, none of them that I meet ever will, that I cant be cared for that way, and maybe that's true, maybe I'm too much of a self-sabotager for people to put up with me long enough to feel anything more than attraction to my boobs. But today, I realised that there are a select few people in this world I really do feel really strongly towards. I think, being honest with myself, that's why I sabotaged the relationship I had with my friend (E). I got so scared that I actually felt so strongly towards something after being this numb empty shell for so long that I processed it the only way I could, as something that was going to hurt me. And because of that thought process I hurt (E) instead, I know she's never quite forgiven me for that. I think, regardless of what type of love it is, I will probably always love her, she is one of the few people I don't feel like I'm kidding myself when I say that word about her. (Yes, she was a girl, the best kind of girl, judge if you want but I don't care, you would most likely want her as well if you saw her and knew what an amazing person she is) Do you ever feel like that though? Like you don't know what to do about an emotion that's completely unexpected and raw and new to you? Surely I cant be the only one that chose the flight response instead of staying and fighting for what I wanted. For a while now I've been basing what I can and cant have on my past, on the people and the events in my past that made me feel worthless and unwanted, unable to have happiness. When really, I should have been basing them on that raw feeling she gave me, because at that point in time, I did feel like I deserved something more than I was allowing myself. I don't know how I'd react if she ever read this and talked to me about it, what I'd say, she'd probably hate me and I couldn't blame her, so in a way I'm sort of glad that I think she's forgotten I have this, however I'm also pretty sad because I think she probably deserves to know this, conflicted. I'm definitely going to cut tonight, I actually cried today, not just the 5 minute crying to pull oneself together but the 2 hour long fat tears that destroy your make-up and leave you looking like quasimodo. Sometimes, I really hate emotions, I think someone should take them from me. Bye my Angels <3