Its good to feel relief.

I gave in today. The relief I got from it was Amazing. I remember so vividly why cutting was my release from the world. I'd hidden my blades from myself a few weeks ago when I was in a drunken state and forgot quite where they were (sort of the point of the hiding in the first place) but then yesterday, in another fit of drinking, I pulled a book out from my shelf and there they were, in the front page of the book. I should've known really that I'd have hidden them inside a book, for I only read books once, so to hide it in something I'm not likely to open for years was pretty genius if I may say so myself. Plus, the book was called 'Forever' and has a bleeding rose on the front, I mean, really all of the clues were there I just didn't put them together...So yes, I found the blades last night and hid them in my purse and I was testing them out today to see which ones were sharp enough to use and which ones didn't even slit the surface of my wrists. I only managed to try out two though so I'll try more tonight and tomorrow. I try them on my wrists to see if they cut there before I do my hips, because if they are sharp enough to cut my wrists and draw blood they are sharp enough to cut quite deep into my hips and have me bleeding for over an hour. That is how I like it. I could've cried at the utter joy I felt upon cutting again. I could keep my promise to (Fire) no longer, I just couldn't. It is impossible to be expected to give up drinking, control, cutting And drugs all at the same time. Its one or the other, I cant do them all, I NEED something, I need to be in control, I need to cut, I need to drink. I gave up the drugs. I feel terribly guilty for going back on a promise, but I've kept it for so long and everything just got too much, I could feel it all, scratching away at me from underneath the surface of my skin. I could feel it trying to will its way out. I could feel the tears welling every five minutes and the pain. It was all there, it had taken over me, I wasn't there, I couldn't control myself, I couldn't squash down emotions, I found myself Feeling things. How stupid is that?! I should not feel things, ever. I do not feel things.
On the whole, I am glad I cut, I don't know how I will even begin to find the words to explain to (Fire) how truly sorry I am for breaking my promise though...
Also, someone who isn't afraid to give out their email or something, start ABC with me soon? I need  someone that will actually commit to it though, I always do better when I have someone going through the struggle with me :') Bye my Angels <3