I wish I was normal.

Lately, there's nothing quite as satisfactory as coming home to a glass of vodka. Or any alcohol actually, I really don't mind, as long as I have some. I'm not an alcoholic or anything, I just like a nice bit of alcohol to de-stress me when the day is up. I know I don't go to work and its only college, but actually, keeping up some false persona and fake smiles and trying to be fucking perfect and bubbly and great for like 7 hours of the day is hard. I hate not being able to be me, as in the me that you guys see, I mean, I guess if I wasn't as depressive and fucked up the me that I put on for people would be the me I would be normally, so it probably wouldn't be as difficult to do then. I know it sounds like I'm moaning or trying to justify my drinking, but I'm not, I'm clarifying the situation...I honestly do not care whether you think I'm killing my liver. My nan has had a glass of alcohol a day since she was 15 years old and she is still healthy. I don't think it's going to do that much damage since its moderation...
 I seem to get on with everyone at college, maybe its because there's only like 7 people that live in the town I live that go to it, so there's no rumours about me been passed to them or anything, but its great. I think a few of the teachers don't think I'll be able to pass their lessons, because my OCD kicks up in their classes and they seem to think that I'm struggling with the lesson, they never ask me about it, but they give me that look. The look that says 'Poor girl, this is the easy stuff, I'll give her another week and I'll kick her off the course.' I hope they don't. If I got kicked off of a course because of my OCD I'll be pissed. I mean, its not like I Want to notice all of the flaws in the room, the tiny cracks, the slanted posters, the uneven floors...Its not like I want to be put off my work because the other students around me are the messiest people on the face of the planet and don't know how to organise their books/papers right. I hate noticing every flaw in things. It makes it so difficult to seem normal. I catch people staring at me sometimes, when my eyes are scanning the room and stopping for .5 of a second on each flaw, I see them staring, wondering what on earth I could be looking at, what about the wall is so interesting, why I'm such a freak. I try to stop my eyes from seeing the faults, but I cant, and its in that moment when I catch them staring and they avert their gaze that I know they'll never want to actually be friends with me, because I'm the weird kid still, no matter where I go, I'll never be able to get out of that. I wish I could. Bye my Angels <3