I hate that he can hurt me this much...

I don't know why I let my Father do this to me. I don't know why I let him make me cry. I don't know why I let him hurt me, anyone's guess is as good as mine... He's a bastard, but I still feel this need for him to approve of me, for him to want me...Its silly really, because I know he never will, but I try anyway. He made me feel like crap yesterday, as he always does whenever I see him, I always end up coming out from the meetings feeling battered and broken. I wandered aimlessly around my home town for a while, and then sat down on the taxi rank of the town hall carpark, because I couldn't walk anymore, I was crying for two hours straight, in a carpark, for anyone to see, I genuinely didn't care about how I looked. I just wanted to die. I came home after, acted like everything was okay, went up to my room, took a few painkillers, drank a lot, broke my promise to (Fire) yet again and cut, then passed out. I woke up this morning to the aftermath of what I'd done...The cuts on my hips are pretty deep. I guess I got blade-happy and couldn't feel anything from just the normal cuts. (that'll teach me for cutting after drinking...) I feel like hell. I'm not at a 2 anymore, I'm at a half. Not even 1. That is how absolutely terrible I feel. I keep trying to find reasons to justify to myself why I'm still alive, but so far I've found...None. I don't know what I'm going to do but it sure as hell wont be pretty, that I can guarantee, I guess I  just don't care enough about myself anymore. Bye my Angels <3