'You're too fat babe.'

I have never cried so much about my body and everything to do with it today. I told this guy (J) about my eating disorders and he laughed and went 'you're way too fat for anorexia babe. Bulimia I could maybe believe because you have chubby as fuck cheeks, but not anorexia.' I kind of just ran away, he text me like 'where'd you go, did I do something wrong?' and I just broke down. I know I'm fat, I know its hideous, but for some reason I never expected him to comment on it. I was crying about it for two hours, and then stabbed at some ice cream and cried some more because I couldn't eat it. I don't think I've cried that much since my counsellor made me describe my first rape incident in detail because he thought it would 'help me' (safe to say I was not ready enough for that and it didn't help) I don't know whether I'm just in some weird pre-pms shit right now, or if I was actually hurt by his comment, but whatever it was there was too much feeling involved in it and that needs to stop. I cannot deal with all of these feeling things and pass my exams with acceptable marks, so one needs to go, and since my grades have always been the most important and my mental health, secondary to those grades, I'm going to keep it that way, I've coped for this long working like that, so it must be kind of useful or acceptable in my mind to do. I cannot wait to see my counsellor. (never thought I'd say that) I played slice and dice on my thigh today and I went kind of deep on one of them and it made some weird gaping oval and it was the most comfort I've had in a week. Everything is piling up again, as usual, and prioritising with feelings in my head is not good, I need them gone, back into their box, not to resurface until after my exams at least. I realise now why I never dealt well with feelings in the past, its basically offering people a reward if they'll hurt me and expecting them not to and then feeling upset when they do it to get their reward. Its a stupid thing to do, stupid things don't sit well in my head if I have the power to avoid doing them.
 I have a presentation this morning at 9am and my anxiety is sky rocketing, I'm either going to faint, throw up, cry, shake like I have hypothermia or a mixture/all of the above. I just hope I present with these things AFTER I have spoken so my grade isn't shit because of my massive anxiety. Wish me luck! Bye my Angels <3