Okay, so I've been enjoying the friendship of this guy (J) for a good few weeks now and he's absolutely lovely, and today we kissed (several thousand times (hyperbole of course but it was a lot)) It was adorable and perfect in that time and place and moment, but now i cannot stop thinking and its stressing me out so I'm just going to write down what I'm thinking in hopes it helps, so sorry...
I have feelings for the boy, no doubt. But all good things must come to an end right? So why not end it now before I get hurt or hurt him? Just stop this thing before it really begins so I don't turn him into a monster like the last one. Plus, he barely knows anything about my 'issues' so when he does finally know them I know he'll leave and I'll be left a wreck, because who would want to deal with someone with all of these issues? No one. And then there's the whole commitment issues thing I have going on so I'm probably going to withdraw into myself and hurt him if things get too serious because I just don't know how to deal with commitment. It scares me. Its too intense, and he won't understand my issues with it because him understanding means he'd have to know what went on in my past etc and then he'd definitely leave because he'd know I'm a headcase with no chance of being saved or normal or even happy most of the time.
He thinks I'm this bubbly person but its all an act, and if he's in a relationship with me that act will become pretty evident to him quite shortly, you know? So he'd leave again and I'd have to pick up the pieces of my heart again and sew them back together more haphazardly than they are sewn together right now and all because I let someone in and I let myself be vulnerable. It'd be foolish to be vulnerable, it leads to trouble and hurt and so many issues resurfacing.
He thinks I eat sporadically but okay, he doesn't know about my ED or how it affects my life, he wouldn't understand that because I've found that no one outside of the world of ED, no one that hasn't had one themselves really understands, they just assume we can 'just eat' and be fine with it, but they don't know. They don't understand the mental state, or the physical pain that comes with actually putting food in your mouth and swallowing, or the extreme voices that come with it screaming at you for eating or for being too fat, its not that I'm 'just health conscious' like I've told him, its that I have this ED inside of my mind and it warps my perception of perfection. How would he ever understand that? He'd just try and make me eat or something, and that's not helpful. Ever.
There are so many things running through my mind and its impossible to write them all down but those are most of the big ones right now so if any of you have any advice on this or want to share your stories along this kind of line to maybe shed some light on the situation and show me a way that doesn't involve pain to either party I'd be really really eternally grateful because my end game just involves pain right now, and I do not want to hurt someone else. Bye my Angels <3
Small piece of advice
ReplyDeleteI have an ED. I'm happily married. My husband happily ignores this. He thinks I'm a bit obsessed with diets, but that's it.
Men tend to ignore what's behind their own eyes.
Go along and have some fun with him.
Thank you Darling <3
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