There's no way I can make them proud.

I split my hip open yesterday, not like right to the bone but to a whole other layer I didn't even realise existed in me, I can literally pull my skin apart and see inside. I mean, I've split it open before and made it talk to me because it amused me that it was like a gouge and not just a slice but this is like I've made a hole in my hip (I make this talk to me as well because I'm not sure what to do with it) I got really mixed in emotions last night, I didn't know what to do and everything was piling on top of me and it was difficult and I couldn't handle it because I'm a weak wimp so I cut and cut and cut and then I moved when I was ripping the blade across my hip and it made this new kind of holey thing. I was disappointed in it though because it didn't hurt, it didn't help, it just...split. I have three exams this week and they're all really hard and I'm scared to death because I know I'm going to fail them all and my family will be disappointed with me and think I haven't tried hard enough and I really have, and they'll say I'm not good enough, that I'm throwing my life away because I'm awful at exams, they'll think I'm a disgrace. I cant disappoint them again, they expect me to do so well and I just know that I'll suck. I think, if I cant even pass AS levels then there is literally no use to me, I have no purpose, I'm not going to succeed in life if I cant even pass these simple exams. There is definitely no room for sleep tonight, I'm just going to have to revise like crazy and hope I remember everything tomorrow, I'll buy lots of energy tablets and drinks to keep me going tomorrow, that'll work surely, if I can just get through the first two tomorrow I won't feel as bad because all the rest are on separate days so I can cram for one at a time instead of two at a time. I have looked a state these past few days/weeks, I just don't have the time to care about what I look like any more, plus, if you look hideous people are less likely to want to hang around with you, so I can become a recluse and its all their fault because they left me and I didn't push them away (that they are aware of) I just cant trust anyone I really talk to, I wish I could but I just have this awful feeling that something bad is going to happen and it'll be because of someone I know really well (Again, so glad no one remembers I have this because I'm sure they'd get offended at that) (C) wanted the address to this the other day, I refused to give it her, I said if she really wanted to invade my privacy that much then I would run and hide from her, refuse to see her, to talk to her. Somehow she's more scared of what I'll do when I don't talk to her than what she could potentially read on this. I think I'm being decent really, I'm protecting her from the full force of my head. I'm helping her, she doesn't really want to know about any of this. Do you know when you know someone has seen something and all you really want them to do is comfort you because its awful and you want to forget it and they just do nothing? I hate that. I really do, it hurts, it proves to me that I am not even worth the pity people could give. I just wish that once, if someone I know reads something they weren't supposed to, on my phone, on here, in my diary, that they'd react somehow. They'd show me that they could possibly care just a tiny bit. Oh well, I have revision to do. Bye my Angels <3