Its just for attention, do it somewhere noticeable...

My friend saw my cuts today when I was changing, she came over for a chat because she was feeling like a 3 and I told her to come and wait in my room whilst I just changed from my college clothes because they were by no means comfy. She saw them and went, 'why do you do it there and not on your arms where everyone can see it, you get less attention on your hips because less people see it.' So, me being me, I go 'I don't do it for attention, I do it as a means of release, because with all of the problems I hear and face everyday things overwhelm me frequently and I need a way to release the building pain and pressure within me, attention isn't what I gain from it, a sort of freedom is.' She then proceeded to tell me that all cutters were attention seekers whether they thought they were or not and that if I was really that unhappy maybe I should just kill myself, get it over with. I was absolutely devastated. One of my closest friends who I've understood and helped her understand everything she does and she tells me that one of my only coping mechanisms is just for attention. I actually could've cried. I mean, I know some people will never understand it and I don't expect them to, I didn't even want her to see it, why she was looking at my hips I'm not sure but I just feel like I've had the wind kicked out of me. I would've thought that out of all the people I know she'd have been the one who would've understood it the most, even if she didn't like it, but she didn't, people are just full of surprises. Do you know when something just makes you feel like a worthless human being though? Like you actually might consider ending everything because actually maybe they were right and you don't deserve to be here. I felt like that. I feel like that. So obviously I cut more because how the fuck do you respond to that? And then, to top it all off she still wanted me to listen to how awful her day had been, to all of her problems and I just, I don't know why I did it. My mood was at a 1 and I had to pretend I was fine and try and help out the person who just told me to end my life. I'm glad I have this blog, just for things like that happening, I'm not sure what I'd do if I had to just, cope with that, with no means of letting it out somewhere. Well, I have an idea of what I'd do, I'd just bottle it up and let it join the pile of things I'm dealing with alone. I'm stressing again, my hair is falling out/being pulled out. I'm not sleeping properly, food is making me sick, I hate exam seasons, I hate everything that makes me stressed, I just become this different person that doesn't know how to deal with things and the tiniest most insignificant thing will turn me into angel falls. I cried the other day because someone messed up the order of where I sit on the train on a Tuesday. He'd sat in my tuesday seat and my brain just gave up, then again, order, structure, they are what I live my life on so I guess the stress just topped off my usual emotion. Right, I'm off for more revision. Bye my Angels <3