There is no one I hate more than myself.

I always think to myself how much I cant stand particular people because of (Insert flaw here) and its a really debilitating thing to have to pretend like I actually enjoy being around these people I don't like, but really, I think what I don't like about them is that I see my own flaws in them and instead of keeping my anger solely on myself I project it onto other people (my psychology teacher would call that displacement if we were in a Freud lesson) but the real reason I hate them isn't because of this one flaw they have that I can find in myself, its because of all the good things about them that I can find in myself,  its not fair that they should have the same flaw as me if I don't get the same good things as them. I don't think I would be alive right now if all of the hate I feel towards myself was all on me all the time, I mean, there are some days where it is all on me and those days are the ones I make the effort to go out and try and socialise and when that doesn't work, get really drunk and whore it out but those days aren't all the time. I have two exams in 8 days and no matter how hard I try to revise nothing is sticking in my head, I've always had this issue, I can learn things it just takes me so much longer than anyone else I know, my brain doesn't function as well or something. I wish I had more time to revise for my exams because I know I'm not going to do as well as maybe I could given more time. I will probably have to resit my first year of A-levels because I'm shit, no one believes me, they think I'll do fine (or they're saying that at least) but I've told them regardless so they don't have to be shocked when I get all U's. I'm having those awful dreams that really are memories about my childhood again, they always seem to appear when I get stressed or have lots of things to do so I'm tired. I guess that's because when I'm focusing on a thousand other things I'm not focusing on blocking those out, it sucks. I hate them, I wish they'd just leave me alone, I already know what happened I don't need a re-run of them at a time like this. I think I've been a 1 for at least 2 months now which is awful because I know the migraines and the back ache and the nausea are going to start again soon, they always do around the 2nd month of being a 1. I mean, they're always apparent even when I'm not a 1 but they aren't as bad as they get when I'm at my worse, the backache is only ever a dull thrumming and the migraines are really only bad headaches, the nausea is really the only thing that is a constant regardless of my mood level. Anyway, I'm off to drown in revision. Bye my Angels <3