I need a recklessness coach.

I'm sick of my control, my order. I hate it, I even have set times for crying. I just want to let lose and do something out of character and unpredictable but I'm not sure how to do that. I think I need a recklessness coach or something, is there such a thing? I'm hoping I can get drunk enough at the party on saturday (not the wedding) to relax a bit and enjoy myself instead of analysing constantly and planning ahead. I have a week and 4 days (ish) until my next exam so I'm having the weekend off from revision. I am so drained I could sleep for the whole of next week but sleep will have to wait because I'm too busy for that. If this is how mums feel constantly I'm never having kids because this feels like shit and my children would be the spawns of satan and would multiply this tiredness by a million. I was supposed to be seeing (Fire) today but I couldn't bring myself to do it, I know I'd have just burst out crying on her and she hates it when I do that, I told her I fell asleep (I wish). I'm a horrible person. I've found myself noticing tiny imperfections on myself and others as of late, the tiniest thing, it can be that the eyeliner isn't exactly straight on one eye and it is on the other. My brain catches them and I comment on them before I realise what I'm doing. My friend told me it isn't normal to look at people's micro-expressions the other day, I asked him how I was to infer what direction people wanted the conversation to go in if I didn't use micro-expressions. Apparently that was the answer a sociopath would give. I'm not a sociopath. Not at all. Not even a little bit, I cant even kill a fly and I do have feelings (I think) because I get really emotional at the end of Moulin Rouge so I cant be a sociopath, right? Maybe I'm just a more advanced human that likes to please everyone, yeah, that sounds more like it. I hate it when I'm told things I've been doing since I was old enough to remember doing them (possibly before then) are not normal. Why does anyone else apart from me get to decide what is normal about me? Its not fair. Saturday needs to hurry up, that Vodka in my cupboard is looking more tempting every second that goes by. Eugh. Sorry. Bye my Angels <3