Stress is my downfall

I'm sorry I haven't said much in a while, I've been trying to get my head coherent enough to form an understandable sentence, so far that's not working too well for me but that's another matter for another day. I've been so stressed lately, I've had coursework due and I get my results from my exams back (today-but I forgot to pick them up) and my mother's having an operation tomorrow and she won't follow the doctors orders and rest after it because she hates sitting down for ages so I'm scared she's going to do something she's not supposed to and everyone at college is looking at me funny, they're all staring as if to say 'there's the freak, she should just go and kill herself already so we don't have to look at her.' People would probably say that was paranoia but I know its not, I know that's what they all think. I don't want to know the results of my exams because I can guarantee without a shadow of a doubt that I have failed. I always fail, I'm hopeless, even my first draft of coursework was a bust, I got an E. (safe to say that went in the bin and I started again) Pain is a constant in my life still, it got worse, I can still manage it but it takes a bit more...help nowadays. I told (Fire) that I'd stopped my self-destructive lifestyle, the day before I started cutting again. She said we should meet today but I didn't go, I don't want her to be disappointed in the fact that, yet again, I wasn't strong enough. I hate being a disappointment to anyone but to her especially, I hate feeling like I've let the only adult that's ever really been decent with me from the beginning down. I guess she's probably used to me failing by now though. I've been instinctively wearing really long sleeved jumpers all the time, even when I've been boiling so I guess I know where I'm going to start cutting after my hips aren't good enough for me, I've only ever cut my arms like 3 times and I've never applied the pressure I do to my hips so it should be interesting when the time comes. Anyway, time to clean again. Bye my Angels <3