I keep you two separate for a reason.

I saw (Fire) today, it was fine, we talked about how I was and college like usual but I couldn't shake the feeling that she was holding something back, that she wanted to ask me something but couldn't find the words. She asked me a lot of questions about my mother, where she worked, if she knew this person etc, I've always been very secretive about who my mother was because I never wanted (Fire) to have that connection to her, to ever feel the...need to contact her. I don't know, I just hope she doesn't do anything that makes me not trust her, she's practically the only person I almost fully trust and I fear what would happen if I could trust nobody, if I had absolutely no one to talk to, I think I'd most likely collapse in on myself. (Fire) gave me the usual tasks and advice: stop cutting, stop binge/purging, stop doing anything that harms me and start writing. She thinks I'm good at writing, personally I think she's slightly confused because my writing is very average, dull even. I sometimes wish I did have some sort of special talent that I could excel in but I don't, its just a silly fantasy to waste time on. I've once again managed to avoid (R) I have one day left in college so I'm really hoping she doesn't find me in that last day because then I'll be off for a week and it will give her ample time to forget all about me and her concerns regarding my sanity. (imagine that, me, having sanity) I still haven't been able to cut, I can feel everything growing inside of me again, I can feel it boiling and I'm just waiting for it to bubble over the surface and ruin my resemblance of normality. I feel like a clock with a cog loose, I know I'm going to break soon but I just don't know when and that's the worst part, not knowing when I'm going to snap, not knowing whether it will be an hour from now or a week from now, I hate not being in control of myself. I've decided I need to lose a copious amount of weight before the summer kicks in because I don't want to be the fattest one sat on the field at college, I'd probably try and hand myself from the trees there and the branches would snap. Its going to be difficult to convince everyone that I'm dandy and keep up a strict lifestyle, especially with my family watching me like hawks constantly but if other people can do it there's no reason why I cant, right? I don't know, hopefully not, right, I'm off to analyse the worst poem I've ever read and try and convince another friend that they don't want to be with me in a romantic way, that they really want to be with my friend. Happy fucking valentines day. Bye my Angels <3