That pathetic glimmer of 'you can break free' is back.

I think this lack of cutting is really getting to me more than I'd like. There was a programme my mother was watching on tv before and one of the women had cuts on her, self inflicted mind you, and all I could think was 'why can't that be me right now.' I'd give anything to feel the blade running across my skin, its been too long, I can feel the release I haven't been able to get crawling just below the surface, begging to be set free, I keep telling myself that it will get better, that this time I'll be able to go without blood, that I'll be able to get out of this spiralling life and find a glimmer of happiness. Deep down I know its just a silly fantasy but at the moment with no means to collect blades and my mother at home for the holiday its the only thing keeping me going, that maybe I'll be able to do this on my own, to get better. Even just writing that down I can hear the disbelief in my mind, it knows I won't be able to, it knows I'm too weak, I should probably stop fighting it and just accept whatever it wants me to do but I don't think I'm ready to give up on everything that makes me who I am just yet, that probably makes me foolish and childish and all of the negative words ending in 'ish' but... Its been too hot for my body as of the last few days, my difficulty regulating temperature means that warm to most people can be boiling to me, or freezing and for the time being my body has decided on the boiling option. I feel like my brain is melting in my skull but because my mother's home I cant take my usual amount of paracetamol (So what if its a little above the recommended amount? 2 per 4 hours doesn't work for me) I'm sorry this isn't very well written, with my mind occupied on what I can use to stab myself its difficult to concentrate on my way to vent. How are you all? Bye my Angels <3