I'm losing my mind because I'm not losing blood.

They've changed the razors. I cant get into these ones, I can't pull them apart. I cant get my blades. I'm freaking out, I haven't been able to cut all weekend because I've been at my nan's house and the only thing keeping me sane was the fact that I could come home and cut and now I cant do that because the twat's went and bought different razors. I feel like I'm having a heart attack, this probably shouldn't be happening but it is, they'll think they're being really good and clever, buying the razors that are on sale or something but they don't realise the damage to my mentality they have caused. I've been on the biggest binge/purge cycle ever this weekend, my insides feel like they're about to fall out and my throat hurts but it had to be done. My nan adores feeding me lots of food that's awful for me and she gets worried when I'm not constantly eating so I've been being fattened up and throwing up. I'm repulsive now. I was always repulsive but I swear I've gained like 10 stone this weekend. I hate myself. I haven't been sleeping well, I never do but lately its worse, last night I woke up at least 11 times, I was asleep for about an hour in total I didn't get to sleep until three and then was woken up by every noise. I went the whole week last week without seeing (R) but then she saw me on the friday so I'm nervous about whether she'll call for me tomorrow. I don't know what to say to her, I don't really feel hurt about the situation anymore I just feel mad at myself but I'm not in the best state of mind to go and see her because of my lack of cutting my mind is falling apart and I cant cry on her, she'll say I'm unfit for college and send me to the hospital for testing or something. That can never happen. I have to at least be perceived as normal enough to fit into everyday life, if I'm not then my mother finds out. That cant happen. I have a feeling that college tomorrow is going to be hell, what with my constant worrying about (R) and the fact I stood up for the 'wrong person' this weekend. Personally I think I stood up for the right person, that she deserved someone defending her because she'd done nothing wrong but no one else sees it that way, I can deal with the hate that will come tomorrow but I don't think this girl deserves it, I don't think its fair for everyone to side against her because her side is losing the battle even though she's in the right. God I hate pettiness. Why cant everyone just have a 60+ year old mindset like I do, then the world of college would be much easier and I could be free to sit in silence without being called a freak. I keep telling myself that I only have another year here that it will be different when I'm at Uni but I don't think that's the case, I reckon it'll be the same everywhere, even when I go to working life, the people will just change, I hope I'm wrong. Gah. Bye my Angels <3