Why, why, why.

"Why won't you hug me?" "Why don't you high 5 people or hold hands?" "Why do you count your fingers sometimes when you think no one is watching" "Why do all of your things have to be laid out neatly and in a certain way?" I don't mind these kinds of questions about my...cleanliness issues. I can deal with whys, you can make people understand when they ask why, you can elaborate and make them see that its not an abnormal thing. The questions I don't like all start with "Can you" or "Does that mean doing ____ will annoy you (and then they proceed to do the thing that they just asked you about to see if it really does bring about a reaction)" I don't understand how, in this day and age, with all we know about differences in people, there are still people out there who will go out of their way to make me have a nervous break down just because they are scruffy and unclean and don't understand my need to have things in a certain way.
 I went to the doctors the other day and I almost broke down in her office because she was putting all of these things on my fingers and my arms and I just knew they'd been used on like 500+ other germy people that day and I could just see all these germs being absorbed into my skin, I could just feel myself getting more unclean every second these things were on me. I think she thought I was crazy when she asked me what was wrong and I just sat there quietly thinking about all of the dirt from all these other people being put onto my skin by these things that were supposed to gauge whether I was ill or not, they were going to make me ill all by themselves. I hate the doctors. Turns out, I have to have blood tests in a weeks time. The one thing I cant cope with. Self inflicted blood loss is fine, I know how that's going to feel, but the unknowing that comes with blood tests scares me. I like to know. I'm good at knowing. I can prepare for what I know. What's worse is that I have to have an asthma check after this so I'm going to be light headed and try and puff into a measurey thingy and its going to be really weak and I'm going to get put on a higher inhaler again and I was almost off mine.
 My Ex/Ex-best friend got with another girl the other day, after she'd sworn off girls for good. I'd like to think it was because she was missing me and was trying to replace me, I know its not that, but I'd like to think that anyway. I kind of miss her, like, not the way she treated me at the end, because I don't know whether she just felt down on herself or what but that was way too selfish for even me to put up with but, before that, when she used to care about me as much as I did about her, I miss that. I miss having someone to tell everything to and laugh about things with. I keep thinking 'I'll just go and tell ___ about this, she'll want to know' and then realising that even if she did want to know, I couldn't tell her, because she's not in my life. I have no one. Again. I'm better this way. Less people to let down, just myself. Less people to hurt. At least, that's what I'm telling myself this week. Who knows whether I am or not.
 I'm not so good right now. I'm better than I was last time I posted, however, I'm not better than a 2. I'm about a 1. At least its a nice round number instead of the decimals I've been dealing with lately. I hope I get better soon, hope I get higher on the levels. I'm sick of having to fake everything because I don't actually feel happy for people or excited or even marginally okay. Faking takes so much effort. Bye my Angels <3