Self destruction comes with a price tag.

Today I've had this feeling of unquestionable sadness and I don't know why, because my day hasn't really been half bad. I did everything that usually makes me happy, I went shopping, I had a nice time with my family, I flirted with cute guys whilst out shopping, I ate at a nice restaurant, hell, I even got Starbucks. But still, sadness, as easily definable as an eye staring at you in the night. I don't know what to do about it. If I cant shake it when I'm doing things I like doing, can you guess what's going to happen at college on Monday if it hasn't lifted at all and I have to sit and listen to people moan and complain all whilst keeping a fake smile on my face? I'm going to have some sort of breakdown, that's what. I feel the need to write. Something awful and tragic and beautifully saddening all at the same time but I don't know what. I fear that if I pick up a pen then my brain will take over and suddenly it won't be a novella at all, it will be a date-undetermined suicide letter. I hate constantly being in this place, I scare myself, but at the same time, I don't feel scared at all, its like two parts of me are fighting for control over everything but neither one can bring themselves to destroy the other yet. I have only ever known three people who can get me out of this slump and back to a place where I can feel secure enough to fall asleep. Two of these people I have pushed away and are no longer talking to me and the third has an overprotective girlfriend who wouldn't like it if he spent his Saturday night helping me instead of pandering to her every whim. So once again, I'm alone. That seems to be a theme with me, being so completely alone that my downward spirals just keep on going because I cant pull myself out and no one else notices. I've done it to myself, don't get me wrong, I've pushed the people away who I thought cared about me the most and I've been the bitch to everyone who would potentially care, but that kind of self-destruction comes at a heavy price, one that I cant seem to stop paying. I was watching 'Sex and the City' earlier and Charlotte said that it takes half of the time you were with someone to get over them. Well, if that's the case I'm screwed for at least another year. I was never actually with him, but I was pretty sure it was a terrifying kind of love since like a month after I met him. I don't know if that counts but I do know the longer I go without speaking to him, the more I'm showing signs of classic distraction techniques. I've even started to think I like another person just to see if I can get over him that way, I cant. I pined for 3 years for this boy and then blew it at the last hurdle because I was scared he was too close and he'd take my heart and stamp on it. Its now been three months and I'm pretty sure I'm dying from a broken heart anyway. Why the fuck am I so human? Last year I could easily lock away my feelings in a little cabinet at the back of my mind and I didn't have to give a shit, I didn't even admit there was a thing called love except when I was in private. Now its like I cant stop feeling. Anyone got any advice or are you all going to just leave me alone in my sorrow as well? I wouldn't hold it against you. (At least when I'm functioning properly I wouldn't, right now, well, who the fuck knows what I'd do, not me that is for sure and certain.) Bye my Angels <3