I just need distractions.

Constantly lying to everyone is getting so difficult. Its like a battle with what I want to say and what I need to say, its exhausting. Sometimes I just don't want to be asked if I'm okay or if anything is wrong because its too hard to say "I'm fine" and put on that smile that helps prove it in people's eyes. Today has been a hard day. An impossibly hard day, to the point that if one more person asks me how I am I'm likely to break down or something and just spill exactly how I am and make them regret asking that generic question. I'm glad I have the weekend to compose myself, that's all I can say.
 I'm told that always thinking about a person you like is normal. That its a natural reaction to relate things back to them or think about what they'd like. I don't understand it but I'm experiencing it nonetheless. I HATE IT. I cant even stop it.It will stop eventually I'm sure. Its such an embarrassing reaction. I'm a really easy blusher anyway and I can just feel myself going red every time I think of anything, like someone is going to somehow read my mind and realise that I'm not the cold hearted bitch I like to make out I am. Its awful. I've even been listening to Meg singing (from Hercules) to try and get back my resolve on the whole 'I cant possibly ever think about love, its not a thing I have time for.'
 I don't have time to sleep this weekend either. I can't even pretend that everything is how it was via my dreams because I don't have time for them. That sucks. I miss my weird, slightly creepy, extremely perfect to me, dreams. 
 I'm about a 0.5 today. I am blaming this poor mood on the fact I'm having to deal with actual feelings. I cant comprehend feelings, I don't know what to do with them, they make me confused and scared and nervous and angry and sad and everything else all in one. I need to get drunk. Really really terribly drunk, with someone I don't care about at all, that will just mindlessly fuck me. That is what I need, a distraction. Everything will be okay if I just distract myself from feelings long enough. They'll disappear. I genuinely think that is my answer to everything lately. 'Just ignore it, it'll pass.' Fat chance. Still, I guess I am allowed to dream. Bye my Angels <3