I was talking to my mother about how I 'used to' self harm before and she still thinks I did it to hurt her and shock her, to get her attention. I honestly couldn't believe it when I heard that. Like, I thought I'd established that since she didn't even know I was doing it, it couldn't be for attention seeking purposes. I love my mother dearly but sometimes she can be the most self-centred person in the entire world, I think she honestly believes that my life revolves around her, therefore making everything I do, against her. Sometimes I genuinely think parents are oblivious to the fact that their children have their own minds and lives, outside of their family, that these children have their own exclusive problems that don't involve the family. (Though they may be a contributing factor to the worsening of the issues)
Everyone has gone off to uni this weekend and my friendship circle is feeling considerably smaller than it did last year. Sure there are a few new AS's in it and a few old A2's that didn't pass and are resitting the year, but on the whole it feels small. Lots of the new AS's that I know are actually older than me, which is confusing to say the least. I'm there thinking I have to set a good example and I really don't because there isn't anyone that looks up to anyone in that college any more, all the age groups are muddled. I think in a way that makes it so much easier for me to relax, I'm not putting as much pressure on myself when I'm around people because I don't care about them judging me any more, I feel like I'm actually friends with these people this year whereas last year we were just acquaintances. I don't know. Something just feels...different.
Apparently there are more verbal presentations required this year at college which frightens me to death because I cant do them. I will faint, or throw up, or stutter and forget everything I'm supposed to be saying. I cant picture the people I'm speaking to in their underwear because it doesn't work, I cant fake confidence because I go bright red and my skin goes blotchy. I can just see people laughing at me. I don't know what I'm going to do, my teacher's are aware of my issue with it but I don't think they know quite how bad I am with this. My fear of public speaking rivals my fear of spiders (which is a petrifying fear, even with spiders smaller than a millimetre) I am afraid of so many things, I'm surprised I'm not afraid of myself. Can you get help for fears? I imagine so, I'll probably have to do that one day since my fear of spiders has pretty much developed onto anything creepy crawly, and I cant sing in public or talk in groups of more than 10 people without feeling an anxiety attack come on. I suck.
I got a new, big dream catcher today, I know they don't work but I figure if I have two of them above me it might trick my head into stopping the nightmares. I'm sick of waking up in the middle of the night, every night, in tears, in a cold sweat, occasionally screaming, its getting ridiculous. Its pissing my sister off as well because I wake her up talking really loudly in my sleep, and she cant even wake me, or understand what I'm saying. She says we have a ghost in this house, maybe we do, maybe it likes to irritate me in the night. (I don't actually think we do, I don't believe in ghosts)
I am in so much pain at the moment, I'm getting migraines every day, my stomach is cramping without cause and my joints are so much worse than they were two months ago, I think I'm going to need a walking stick by the time I'm 20 they are so bad. I can't walk up the stairs quickly any more because it hurts so much, I can't bend my legs under me when I'm on the floor, I cant even side-bend them when I'm going to sleep. Its obvious there's a problem with my knee joints. Even my father noticed and he hardly ever notices anything to do with anyone else. I think this pain is making my mood worse because I'm at like 0.7 and I was above two like a week ago. It could be worse but I'm not really the happier person I was a week ago. I don't like that fact. I'll have new pictures for you as soon as I find them, bare with me! Bye my Angels <3
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