What happens when it stops working?

I had an unnerving, scary, potentially dangerous revelation the other day. I was talking to the college woman and she asked about my cutting. I hadn't really thought about it much until that point but when I really started to think about it, it hadn't been helping me much. For a while I had noticed the subtle changes in the effectiveness of that relief technique but I'd chosen to ignore them, thinking I was more stressed than usual or something because of all the extra baggage I've had to deal with lately. However, when I really thought about it, cutting had stopped helping me. Some people might see this as a good thing, because if its stopped helping me then I've got no reason to do it any more, I see this as a terrible thing. If I can no longer feel clarity and control through cutting, what other medium am I going to use to get it? I've never thought about what could happen if I couldn't cut any more, it seemed like an impossible thing, what am I going to do? I guess I could go backwards and let out a side of me I haven't really allowed out for longer than a day at a time. I'd have to be really sure about that though, really sure about whether I want the voices to control me again. About whether I could deal with that, I can deal with them right now, they're quieter at the back of my head, they haven't got much control back there, they have little influence. But if I start restricting again, start focusing on numbers, on counting accurately, I'm not going to have the concentration required to push them back when they try and jump forwards, they'll gain control again and they'll hold on tighter this time. I might be gone for good. But if I don't go backwards, I might do something more dangerous. Why is there never a way of keeping control without the dangerous side effects?
 Apparently people have noticed my OCD has flared up again quite badly lately. I've been asked what's bothering me so much so that I'm using a ruler on word searches and not doing them if they aren't the right shape etc. I'm not seeing what the issue is with wanting to keep everything neat and tidy so nothing bad happens. I mean, if people want awful things to happen then they can have their stuff messy, but I would like things to be decent in life and not have some major accident because I did a word search without a ruler. I did some without a ruler the other day and my legs are really bad now every time I bend them because I did bendy lines instead of straight lines. Its not like I don't have cause to want things straight if things like that happen if I don't have it straight. 

 I wish people would just get off my back about everything and deal with their own messed up lives instead of having me deal with them and then wondering why I'm stressed and they aren't. I feel like I need a holiday from being me. Bye my Angels <3