'I'm here for you' Yeah, that helps me so much.

Happy 'World suicide prevention day'! Personally I don't see how people saying 'I'm here for you' is going to stop someone who is completely serious about committing suicide from doing it. That could just be my view but I honestly don't see the point in these days. Why isn't this an everyday thing? Why don't people pay attention to the signs they can see on day's other than the ones that are named. That is my issue with these days, to me, they're saying 'we don't care about you the other 364 days of the year but today we can all look like we do!' 
 Today, I feet really...drained. I don't know whether its because I was up late last night because of the spider and daddy long-legs in my room or whether its because I'm slipping down again. Its hard to tell sometimes, they cross over so much and both effect the other one so when it could be both I can never really decide what's going on, which is bad because I could feel so much worse tomorrow and I won't be prepared for it. I'm really trying not to slip too far down, I'm trying to make better friends and socially interact with people that aren't characters in books and I'm trying to always have a smile on my face because sometimes if you trick yourself into believing something for long enough it happens, so I'm hoping to trick myself into happiness. Its not easy though, we're reading short television drama monologues in English Lit and they all mention mental illness and I swear everyone just looks at me every time it comes up. I am probably being paranoid I guess but I could swear they do.
 I hope I can keep a happy face through my Psychology class tomorrow, I promised myself that this year she would think I was better and not some OCD freak who has breakdowns over being asked to play with rubbish and make a model out of it. (To be fair to me, it wasn't even my rubbish so I didn't know if it was clean or not, I could have been a lot worse than just having a panic attack that is for sure) (To be fair to her I didn't put OCD or anything else on my medical issues form that I filled in at the start of college so the poor lovely woman didn't know about me)
 I need to go to the doctors but I'm postponing it so I don't get put on steroids because I can feel my inhaler starting to stop working. Either that or my lungs are shrivelling up, which, in any case, I'll need those demon steroids. Well, that and they'll give me a man doctor who is completely oblivious to subtle hints and he'll ask about things I don't want to talk about with a man, like they always do. Its like the doctors just invents ways of being more horrible to people who depend on it, just to see if these people actually do need the help. I'll probably always hate the doctors, I could be having an asthma attack on the floor and I'd still have whoever was around postpone calling the doctors until I'd passed out.
 I'm floundering. I'm being a bad person. By now I should have learnt to stop even thinking about being with people because of the amount of times I've had my heart torn up. I shouldn't be thinking about trusting anyone, that is for sure and certain. People at college keep making jokes about how cold hearted I am and how I don't care about anyone or anything, if they only knew what you guys know eh? Bye my angels <3