This time two years ago.

This time two years ago I thought I was pregnant with the child of my rapist. I hate saying that because he was only 4 years older than me and rapist makes it sound like a sleazy old man or something but that's what he was so. Two years ago it had been a month and a day since the incident and I was so lost and scared and ashamed. It sounds stupid and you probably won't understand it (looking back I'm not sure I do) but in a way I wanted a child. Not to be 15 and pregnant, but so something good had come from that horrifying experience. I wanted to have something that would convince me that good things can happen to, regardless of things before them. Obviously I wasn't pregnant and I didn't have a child but this day still gets to me every year. This year my friend almost had an incident happen to her last weekend, so that is being dealt with at college and I'm trying to be supportive but its so difficult to not break down crying and tell her how happy she should be that it didn't happen, that she should thank her lucky stars because she wouldn't want to deal with it initially and all the repercussions after it. College counsellor lady said I should get some 'professional help' because she's not qualified to help me technically. I changed the subject, I couldn't handle the pity that comes with professional help, I couldn't deal with the questions that hit you right where it hurts so everything you've been hiding all comes out at once and you feel so much worse for months afterwards. I just want to curl up in a ball and hide. I have no one to hug me and tell me everything is okay so why do I need to stay awake if I know nothing is going to get better? There are obvious downsides to not being close to anybody.
 As you could probably have guessed my mood has rapidly deteriorated down to about a 0.3, not good considering I cant cut to elevate it a bit because its not working. I keep trying but its just not helping, I don't know what to do, I'm so scared about what's going to happen. There's only so much disappointment and lack of relief I can deal with. I just need it out. I need to get it out. I cant stand it clawing under my skin much longer, I cant stand feeling sick constantly. I just cant. Bye my Angels <3