Anything better than ABC?

I went shopping today because I am in desperate need of some new jeans, I only have two wearable pairs and since I don't wear skirts because my legs are huge, jeans are pretty much my staple item of clothing. Anyway, so I went into all of my usual shops and picked up all of my usual sizes/cuts etc, gets to the dressing room and none of them fit, I actually broke down in one of the dressing rooms. Turns out, new little pill isn't so great when it comes to weight. I'm actually repulsively fat. My mum tried to blame it on my hips being too wide or something like that but its not, its because I'm fucking huge and I told her that I was refusing to buy new clothes until she allowed me to lose weight. She didn't say anything, I'm taking that silence as a yes. I hate the fact she's made me get this way, if she hadn't been focusing on making me eat all the time I could be thinner, a lot thinner. What little bit of 'maybe this healthy thing is a good idea' I had left has been brutally murdered. How could I ever think that eating was good for me? Its not, no matter how many people tell me that it is, it isn't, I know that, I've always known that I just didn't want to admit it. The worst part about this crappy feeling is that I'm being watched so I cant even slice it away, I hate this, I hate everything about it. I don't want to have to be secretive about everything again, I was just getting to a better point, a more open point in my life but I cant be open now, I need this and they'll just try and take it away, they don't care about me they just care about the bad image it will bring to them. Why have I ignored how awful I have looked for so long, thinking that my view of myself would change if I tried to be healthy, well it has, its made me realise how rotund I am, its smashed that circus mirror I was hiding behind. I have a family meal tomorrow, 10 of us round 1 table, that won't be fun but it will mean that I can eat a whole lot less. I'm thinking I'll start ABC on monday unless someone has anything better than that? I think this time, because I've been 'better' for so long, my mother won't suspect a thing. I hope not anyway, that could be problematic. Bye my Angels <3