They won't think its their fault then.

Do you ever just hear what people you thought were your friends think of you, actually think of you, and wonder why it was you didn't succeed in killing yourself? Turns out, I was right, I am the reason everyone hates themselves and chooses suicide over being around me. Someone who I thought was actually a really close friend has been harbouring hatred for me for probably some time now, and only this weekend was I made aware of it. Turns out he's been slagging me off for ages behind my back, with anyone that would listen. I'm not surprised, I'm not even angry at the fact, it just made me question why on earth I ended up staying here if even people I'm supposed to be close with hate my guts. I don't think I know how to be mad at people other than myself any more, which is probably why finding this fact out didn't upset me, because I had been telling myself it would happen since we became friends. There was one thing I disagreed with though, out of everything that was said, apparently I always need drama, I cause it when there is none, I don't know how many of you out there are in college like I am and going through issues, but those of you that are will know that the last thing you want in your life is crappy college drama, you don't want to be taken for a fool of course, so you stand up for yourself, but you don't actively seek drama when your mind is so full of other stuff that's tearing you apart, right? I don't know whether that was something this person actually believed or whether they were just mad and saying anything and everything, but I actually think compared to most people at college, who get involved in other people's business, relationships, arguments etc, I avoid drama like its the plague. I don't know if that's just my opinion of myself though, I could be really wrong, but as far as I'm aware, I tend to tell people to stop getting involved in people's relationships, or remain in my seat when people are having arguments, now that's not to say I don't listen and try to help when people come to me asking what to do about an argument or something, but I don't think I actively seek it out. But that's the only thing that bothered me about losing this friend, sure it'll be odd not talking to them, or hugging them for the strength to get through the day, and I don't know what it will be like at college, I'll probably be isolated from my friendship group, because everyone loves this person and I'm that afterthought friend. However, in the long run it will be better for them than being my friend ever could, so I'm not sad or mad or glad, I'm indifferent to it I think, there's too many pro's of him not being my friend that I'm not going to beg for him to come back, because he'll be better off. I am not some completely selfless person at all, I can be selfish as hell, but when it comes to people I consider/considered friends, I don't want to hold them back from doing things that will make them happy, and enough of them have decided I'm not a person that does that (as was pointed out to me by this person) so it must be true, meaning that they'll be so much better off when I'm not getting in their way. My other friend tried to battle my case to him, saying it wasn't fair what he was saying etc apparently, but I told her I wasn't worth ruining her friendship over, I'm just waiting until she realises that for herself so she'll leave as well. I'm thinking once she realises I'm a shit friend too and leaves me be, none of them will think its their fault when I go, because its getting really bad again and I don't want any of them to blame themselves if I cant find the strength to hold on, but they won't if they decide they don't want to be around me. That fact comforts me more than it probably should. Well, even if they don't decide on that, I'll be leaving them for another part of the country soon, so they won't have to think about me ever again. They'll get rid of me either way. They won't be held back by me for much longer, I won't be the one that changes them beyond recognition soon. No more pain caused by me will they have to endure, they just need to wait like 6 weeks. Bye my Angels <3