Already I want to avoid life.

I finished college for three weeks yesterday, and already I want to avoid life. Now I don't Have to see people every day, I don't want to, but I also do. Lately I'm in a state of confusion about everything, made worse by my heart breaking from deaths. I want to avoid people, so I don't hurt them and they don't hurt me, but I also want to be around people, for support and the comfort that comes with them. I cant decide if I want to be alone or if I'm just scared of losing more people and becoming even more alone. That probably doesn't make any sense, but now you see what kind of contradictions are going on in my head right now. I still haven't been able to cry about the losses of Molly and Amanda (I'm using their names because it would probably be rude not to, I'm not so sure on the rules of how to mention deaths) I can feel the tears inside trying to break free, but every time I think they will manage it, something stronger pushes them back down, stops me from feeling. I know if I start crying I won't be able to stop, I know that for a fact, because there's this big cavern inside of me where my heart was, and instead of decent feelings its filled with despair and regret and pain, it could easily fuel tears for a hundred years if I let it. That's three of my friends up to now that have killed themselves, I'm starting to get the feelings its all my fault, that I drive them to their deaths.
 I like to think I cant love, because if I think it long enough it might come true. But I do, I love all of my friends so much more than I can describe, and every time something like this happens I just feel like breaking down. I feel like digging a hole inside myself and just burying myself in it.
 Molly sent me a letter, it got here on tuesday. I couldn't talk about it before now because every time I thought of it I felt like shutting down, it was so painful. In the letter she wrote reasoning that she hoped I'd understand, she wrote that she'd miss me, a lot, and her final line was 'Don't let the past scare you babydoll, you deserve love just as much as any 'pretty', bitchy girl. Go out and find yourself someone fabulous, and commit.' That probably doesn't sound like anything to cry about to you, but to me it was a kick in the teeth, its a breakdown moment every time I read it. Even with everything she was about to do, she thought of me, she hoped I could think of myself. I miss her so much. Molly was one of the best friends I'd ever had, I don't know what I'm going to do now there's this empty space inside. I feel like I should honour her advice, but then I think of losing someone else I love and I wonder how on earth she ever expected me to get over this enough to get past the fear of commitment and losing to find someone. I'm not even angry that she left me, I'm just in pain. I know this is a really selfish post, that I should be thinking about her family and how they must be feeling, that I'm not her only friend going through this, but I cant, right now all I can think about is the pain I'm going to feel for a long time. Coping has never been my strong suit, but now it seems impossible to even think about hiding this pain. I just don't know. Bye my Angels <3