Breakdown bruising.

I had a breakdown at number 8 on the severity scale last night. It was pretty damn terrifying. I'm 99.9% sure I pushed away another one of my close friends and I am 100% sure that these bruises forming on my skin are not because I fell out of bed, guess I've found yet another way that I harm myself when I'm dying. I'm also 110% sure that these gouges on my thigh are going to scar nastily. I just don't know what to do, I am so lost.I don't know if this is how I grieve or what, I've grieved before, but not like this, if that's what this is. I'm no stranger to people dying on me, but this time its like half of me was ripped away; maybe literally by the looks of my skin. I've heard that I'm supposed to hate Molly for this, that its one step on the road to getting over grief or something, but I'm not sure that step counts if you're the reason they killed themselves. I imagine this hate I have for myself replaces the hate I should have for her. I've found myself doing copious amounts of exercise again, counting everything in my meals again, spending large amounts of time standing over the sink again. Drinking, smoking, pill popping, they're all back in also. This is maybe the worst pity party I've ever thrown for myself. I cannot sleep properly at all, I'm getting like 15 minutes a night, and even then I'm plagued with horrible dreams. I'm actually surprised that I have made it through the nights so far, I am shocked that I haven't decided enough was enough, that I've hurt too many people, its my turn to be hurt. But then again, staying alive like this is painful as hell, a quick escape from it probably just wouldn't have the same degree of pain necessary to make me pay. I wish I could curl up small enough to completely disappear. That would be great. Bye my Angels <3