Things have been emotional these past two weeks. Two friends killed themselves. Separately, not together. I've been beaten by a guy who's hopefully out of my life now. Someone told me I was really fat and needed to go to the gym. (I cried considering I'm not actually allowed to go to the gym because last time I went I put myself in hospital because I literally have no 'stopping point') My friend (S) had to go back in hospital. Everyone has been arguing and moaning and causing stress. And it was the anniversary of my dear friend (A) who killed herself two years ago.
I've been completely distancing myself from everything because I just don't know how to react, I don't know if I'm going to explode or just die from pain. I've been trying to stay friendly and happy at college because I don't want anyone to know, I don't think I can actually tell them anything without having a breakdown, so I have been trying to stay as normal as possible but I'm just so tired all the time, all I want to do is sleep, because I don't have to feel in sleep, and I cant stop feeling right now.
Sometimes I think to myself 'I am strong enough to get through this' and it works, but right now, that's just not even a possibility. I don't actually know how I'm going to deal with all of this, and keep up with stopping people from killing themselves (Because I'm obviously so good at that right, I mean, my track record is shining, three suicides) and keep up with school work and friends and the façade of happiness to my family, I just cant see a way out of this one. There's no silver lining, no light at the end of the tunnel.
Have you ever been in so much pain that you just wish your heart would stop?
Bye my Angels <3
I don't know if I have enough internet hugs to send you, but as many as I've got, they're yours.
ReplyDelete#1 It isn't your job to stop everyone from hurting themselves. I'm not saying you shouldn't care about them, or help someone in pain if it's in your ability. But sometimes, there is no stopping them. You cannot take all of this responsibility on yourself.
#2 Is there a college counselor or someone you can talk to. They're there for a reason - if you can't talk to your friends, maybe a counselor is the next best thing. I think they are used to people breaking down in front of them, and then you can talk some things out.
So sorry you have to deal with this stuff.