Its back. Its always back I guess.

I feel sick, not the bearable kind of sick. I can feel the urge to cut welling up from where I buried it deep inside. I can feel it gnashing at my wrists, at my shoulders, at my hips, at my thighs, at my stomach. I feel it with an alarming amount of anticipatory pain. I hit 6 months the other week and now I feel like I haven't even been a day without it. I crave it all over again with a renewed passion. I crave the feeling of the blood running down my legs and the dizziness and the sting as the shower hits them at full blast. I crave the ache the next day every time my jeans rub against them. I just really really crave them. I know it sounds stupid to want to do something that I know I've worked so hard to try not doing, and I know there'd be regret some time in the future about the fact I messed up my withdrawal because I've had one bad day after another and I've let it get to me, but actually, I've had one bad day after another, one day of constant pain after another. Its not a rational thing I want to do right now, but if it can possibly relieve some of the stabbing ache that has made itself a permanent resident inside of my chest then maybe I can give it up for another 6 months and only use it when I really need to. I don't even know why I'm trying to justify this action to a blog, you've probably all felt this and understand precisely what I am dealing with right now and therefore cannot judge my decision, or if you haven't been through this, then you still cant judge my decision. So really its kind of a win-win at my end. Bye my Angels <3