My friend asked me today why I don't believe in the idea of there being a decent guy out there for me. I couldn't tell her the reasons, I didn't want the pity, but actually, I know you guys won't pity me, so I'm going to relay my reasons as to why I don't believe. Not to anyone or because of anything in particular, but just because I think that someone needs to know, even if its someone that doesn't know me. I don't know why now or why here, I don't have the answer to those questions, maybe I've just come to terms with my life. Or maybe I just know that no one who reads this will be that concerned with my life so hopefully I can come to terms with my life if I write it all down without the pity I'd get if I told someone close to me. Anyway, here it goes:
First off we shall start with my dad, a general nob who only talks to me when he wants to show off or use me for something. He never has and never will care about me. A typical emotional abuser who makes me feel like crap every time I want him to be a dad to me.
Then we have my ex-step father. He was an okay guy, if you don't count the fact that he belted (literally, beat with a belt) me and my brother every chance he got and made me feel like he'd kill my mother if I ever told her, I am actually still not convinced he wouldn't.
I was okay for a couple of years then, didn't make many male friends, stayed to myself, but I was okay. Then when I was 11 this 16 year old (M) walked into my life, made me feel like crap about myself and used me for sex every time he wanted because I'd been torn down to a completely below low level of self-esteem.
Then at 13-14 something similar happened with a guy of 17 years old, (J), he beat me up, tore me down to below my 11 year old level of self-esteem and made me think I was going to die by his hand. I'd have felt worse that my 'boyfriend' at the time broke up with me via the internet because I was too frigid, if I wasn't too afraid he was going to die because he was with me. (J) made me scared for everyone around me, petrified for my friend's lives as well as my own.
At 15 I went on holiday and met Martin. I am no longer afraid of his name, I can say it freely. Martin made me feel worthless, not good for anything but rape. I was pretty fragile as it was at the time and he shattered me, I was in pieces.
After martin I met a lot of different guys who'd use me for sex, get me drunk, drugged up, all whilst keeping this emotional breakdown secret from my school friends and eventually my girlfriend. I think its safe to say I got around plenty and don't even remember the names of half of the people, just the faces. None of them cared for me, none of them actually liked me, they just fancied a quick fuck and I was there and too broken to care.
One person in particular is difficult for me though. (S) was one of those people from my 15-16 year old stage, but he didn't go away like the others did, he stays around, comes back from time to time, breaks me down to keep me sweet. I cant stop him, cant deal with him, he beats me, he uses me, he hates me. I cant get rid of him, he doesn't want to leave me alone, thinks its fun I guess, to play around with someone he knows he can keep broken.
None of the people above are decent. None of the people made me feel...okay. I know it was my own fault that this stuff happened to me, but none of it makes me feel like there is a decent guy out there for me, because I don't deserve a decent guy, I don't get decent guys because I'm not a decent person, and that's not me pitying myself, that's me being honest with myself. No one who is decent gets this much hatred thrown their way. I don't know if any of the above made sense to you guys, I highly doubt it did, but I've got it out now, maybe I can move on from it. Who knows right? Bye my Angels <3
oh my....i swear we are SO similar.....I'm going through something similar as you...I used to believe also that I didn't deserve a good guy that loved me because I was too fucked up and too dirtied....But I think because of all we've been through it means we deserve even better. One thing I've noticed is men treat you how you let them treat you. Because I was vulnerable and eager to please I would do anything for the guys. When you are firm about yourself and demand their respect they can't do anything. You need to stand up for yourself, don't let guys use you. Simply refuse to see them. I know how hard that it is. For me I leech onto the fact that I am desired. I don't really care how the guy looks as long as he "appreciates" how "hot" I am. But eventually when you give them sex they don't appreciate you at all, they simply see you as an easy lay, an object. You deserve a decent guy girl. You deserve the BEST guy there is. He will see beneath all your pain and doubt and love you and respect you. Don't settle for less. I think I'm going to do the same from now on.
ReplyDeleteThank you <3
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