That's what I do with beauty...I destroy it.

I once drew a picture of a girl crying. It was nothing special to anyone else but to me it was perfect. The way her make up smudged, the way her gaze was downcast and down trodden, like there was nothing left in her that was fighting, it was beautiful to me, calming in the most painful way possible. It was so unimaginably lovely that I destroyed it. I distorted the make up smudges, I made her look more mime-like than sad. That is what I do with beauty, with things that are perfect to me, I break them, I destroy them, I can't cope with them. Its what I do with people, objects, anything. Even friendships that seem like they could withstand the test of time all get torn apart by me in the end. I think some people are just born with this predisposition to wrecking things, I mean, there's no way this stuff can be learned. I wasn't brought up on war shows or incredibly violent programmes, so I didn't grow up thinking that destroying things was okay, but somehow along the road, I managed to know the art of destruction. Alaska Young got out of her labyrinth 'straight and fast' and the Goblin King designed his so you could only be free of it via a series of hidden turns, I have a feeling that if my life was a metaphorical labyrinth it would show the only way of escape was one fall after the next. Just a series of long drops with no end in sight until one suddenly creeps up on me all too quickly. I don't like to think of my life as this predetermined set of events though, only ever following that one path to escape seems almost unnatural. I like to believe I can change that route and maybe have a bit of walking room in that labyrinth once in a while, but with the way I seem to unconsciously act I find it very difficult to believe my life has anything but a pre-set rulebook which I need to follow to the letter. I'm kind of moody and sad tonight (all day really, someone made a statement before and I told them "Don't tell me what I can and cant say" and then sat having a really feminist-like rant to myself for the next hour so) so I'm not sure if any of this makes any sense or if its just a ramble like usual but I don't know, I had to say it I guess. Not because I want to enlighten you or anything special like that, just, because. I am sorry if you actually wasted your time reading this drivel and now feel like you've lost a million brain cells and need to re-do all of school just to feel a bit smart again, that wasn't my intention. Bye my Angels <3