Sometimes my friends' ignorance about certain things makes me so angry. Most of the time I can keep my anger in check and just ignore them, but today was not one of those days. My friend (C) was joking around to our friends saying she was anorexic because she was pretending to throw up. So I calmly threw her food away and walked off leaving her with 'now you can pretend to be anorexic you fucking idiot' instead of a goodbye. It didn't even bother me that much, I'm used to her unfunny jokes, what bothered me was that she hadn't even taken the time to look around where we were eating, so she didn't notice the boy sat in the corner picking off bits of a muffin but never eating it, sipping at water, as thin as anything with the biggest of dark circles under his eyes. She hadn't even thought about the people around her and this poor boys face when he heard her made me snap. (C) doesn't know about my past so I wasn't mad at her for me, I was just mad at her ignorance. The boy followed me when I left the coffee shop. He told me that he knew I knew and thanked me, so I gave him my number and told him when he ever needed to talk to someone on his dark days I always pick up. He laughed at the fact I said 'when' instead of 'if' and asked me what I had because no one on the 'outside', as he put it, ever knew what to say. I just smiled and told him not to throw my number away because it could come in handy one day. I know people think its a bit reckless to give ones number out to a complete stranger, but I don't want to see his picture in the paper next week and know I could've tried to help him out.
I have been pretty calm for a few days now. Its really bad that my anxiety and pain has decreased since I started cutting again, because now its going to be really difficult if I ever want to stop again, but now I know how horrendous I get when I do stop so I probably won't be doing that again in a hurry.
I told the college woman about (J) the other day, about his tendency to get violent. I never thought I'd tell her that. I never thought I'd trust her enough, but she's proven herself to me in little ways. I was obviously pretty good at hiding it last week though because no one commented or even looked in the direction of the bruise and no one mentioned that I was being distant or anything so...I don't like hiding things from my friends, don't get me wrong, I hate it. But sometimes its just necessary, I don't want questions and people getting opinions about things that don't concern them and assuming that (J) is a bad guy because he's not, not really, he's a really good guy, he just gets a bit mad sometimes and they'll blow that out of proportion and get mad or they'll give me pity. Both of those things are not wanted. So they cant know, you know?
I'm so sorry I'm not very coherent tonight, I don't know what's wrong with my writing lately, maybe I'm just going through a bad spell. Anyway. Bye my Angels <3
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