What I am was only supposed to be temporary.

I got my blood test results the other day and nearly cried with happiness. They said that there were no illnesses other than the ones we already knew about and that I was in the all clear. For someone who's been told they're not expected to live past 19 to be told that they're okay for the time being and there's nothing new to manage is...indescribable. This could actually mean that I can live past 19, maybe get past uni, I can think about having a life that isn't limited to the next year because the potential to have one is there now where it wasn't before. I can stop pushing my closest friends away for the time being because I know I'm not going to just up and die on them one day. Like, of course it could still happen but its less likely to now because my body is coping fine with the things it has to manage already and there's nothing new being thrown into the mix. I feel kind of sad about the people I've already pushed away in the past year or so that I'd gotten really close to because it was kind of all for nothing in a way. I was preparing myself for what I'd been told was inevitable and all of a sudden the inevitable just walked away and I'm left with a lack of best friends because those were the ones I got rid of first, the ones I knew would blame themselves somehow.
 Lately I've been so agitated and I don't know why. I don't feel like opening up to anyone, I don't feel like helping anyone, I don't feel like eating, sleeping, reading, I just feel...irritable. There's no certain cause, there's no known cure. I just have to ride it out I guess. I think its because everyone is always asking me how I am, and then when I give them an answer, they ask if I'm lying, and then if I say no I am not lying I actually am fine, they ask about 1000 more questions until they believe me. I don't care how many times they ask the same fucking question, if the answer is I AM FINE, then they should respect that I don't want to tell them something or that I actually am fine and just drop the fucking subject, that's not so unreasonable is it? I'm sick of people walking around eggshells because they aren't sure that I'm okay. I'm not that much of a difficult person, if I say I'm okay, then I am, if I say I am not okay, then I am not. Why does everyone have to read SO much into everything these days? Why cant people just be simple and believe the simple? I hope I can get this irritableness under control for college on Monday though because I might just snap at someone if not.
 Even though I got that good news the other day, my mood hasn't improved any, its just stayed the same, I miss the days where good news made me feel ecstatic and bad news made me feel heartbroken. Now I just feel nothing at all. But then, I had a lot of heartbreaking news when I was younger. I guess when you have a lot of something that destroys you a little bit each time, it gets harder to feel anything at all, who knows, maybe if things had been different then, I'd be different now. Some people think that childhood doesn't effect your future at all, but I know it does.
 I just don't know where I'm going any more, I'm kind of in this state of turmoil, I'd been preparing for so long to just...die, that I don't know how to live, I don't know how to be anyone else than 'that girl who's waiting to die' preparing yourself for one thing your whole life and then having that thing snatched away to leave you with uncertainty is probably worse news than thinking you were going to die. I don't know how to deal with life. Like, I've never really done the relationship thing because I never wanted to know if I could be happy like that, I've never really let someone completely in before and told them everything and bared my soul, I've never known what it is to be a normal teenager because I've always been trying to...live as much as I can before I died and relationships and close friendships and softness and warmth and closeness never really seemed like living to me. I don't know how to show emotions because they always hindered my living, I don't know how to be anything else than what I am, and what I am was only supposed to be temporary. I am kind of having a mini meltdown right now. I don't know what to do or how to act or how to dress or where to turn. Why isn't there a school for this shit, or better yet, a web page. I just feel so lost. No pictures tonight. Bye my Angels <3

8+ hours of smiling, yay?

I have a party tomorrow. A party that lasts all night and requires me to be sociable for more than 8 hours. As in, there's no escape from people. I don't know how I'm going to react. I'll have alcohol and that will help for sure but I don't know how I'm going to feel about everyone after 8 hours has passed and I'm still having to fake smile. I hope I'm still okay, but lately its getting harder to stay happy all the time. I just want to sleep but when I lie down to do so I cant, I just stare at the ceiling. People who say they just want to sleep and never wake up are kind of lucky, because they can get to sleep in the first place and get disappointed when they wake up. If I could get to sleep I imagine I'd be so happy when I woke up. I'm not 100% on that but I'm sure I'd feel better. Anyway. I don't feel up to writing about things that have happened lately, I don't think I can deal with them myself yet, its nothing too bad but its just...saddening I guess. Wish me luck for tomorrow! Bye my Angels <3

Self destruction comes with a price tag.

Today I've had this feeling of unquestionable sadness and I don't know why, because my day hasn't really been half bad. I did everything that usually makes me happy, I went shopping, I had a nice time with my family, I flirted with cute guys whilst out shopping, I ate at a nice restaurant, hell, I even got Starbucks. But still, sadness, as easily definable as an eye staring at you in the night. I don't know what to do about it. If I cant shake it when I'm doing things I like doing, can you guess what's going to happen at college on Monday if it hasn't lifted at all and I have to sit and listen to people moan and complain all whilst keeping a fake smile on my face? I'm going to have some sort of breakdown, that's what. I feel the need to write. Something awful and tragic and beautifully saddening all at the same time but I don't know what. I fear that if I pick up a pen then my brain will take over and suddenly it won't be a novella at all, it will be a date-undetermined suicide letter. I hate constantly being in this place, I scare myself, but at the same time, I don't feel scared at all, its like two parts of me are fighting for control over everything but neither one can bring themselves to destroy the other yet. I have only ever known three people who can get me out of this slump and back to a place where I can feel secure enough to fall asleep. Two of these people I have pushed away and are no longer talking to me and the third has an overprotective girlfriend who wouldn't like it if he spent his Saturday night helping me instead of pandering to her every whim. So once again, I'm alone. That seems to be a theme with me, being so completely alone that my downward spirals just keep on going because I cant pull myself out and no one else notices. I've done it to myself, don't get me wrong, I've pushed the people away who I thought cared about me the most and I've been the bitch to everyone who would potentially care, but that kind of self-destruction comes at a heavy price, one that I cant seem to stop paying. I was watching 'Sex and the City' earlier and Charlotte said that it takes half of the time you were with someone to get over them. Well, if that's the case I'm screwed for at least another year. I was never actually with him, but I was pretty sure it was a terrifying kind of love since like a month after I met him. I don't know if that counts but I do know the longer I go without speaking to him, the more I'm showing signs of classic distraction techniques. I've even started to think I like another person just to see if I can get over him that way, I cant. I pined for 3 years for this boy and then blew it at the last hurdle because I was scared he was too close and he'd take my heart and stamp on it. Its now been three months and I'm pretty sure I'm dying from a broken heart anyway. Why the fuck am I so human? Last year I could easily lock away my feelings in a little cabinet at the back of my mind and I didn't have to give a shit, I didn't even admit there was a thing called love except when I was in private. Now its like I cant stop feeling. Anyone got any advice or are you all going to just leave me alone in my sorrow as well? I wouldn't hold it against you. (At least when I'm functioning properly I wouldn't, right now, well, who the fuck knows what I'd do, not me that is for sure and certain.) Bye my Angels <3

'You are so much better now!' Am I?

I got to 0.1 today. It was frightening. Its the lowest I've been in a good while. I only got this way because of a simple fact. Everyone was discussing their weight at college and I tend to steer clear of these talks, simply so I don't revert back to old ways, and they just kept talking about what they weighed and stuff and something in my just clicked. I realised that in year 11 my lowest weight was 5 stone lighter than what I am now. I was, at one point, 7 stone. I know that doesn't sound so low to some people but to me (and the doctor for that matter) it was low. I am now 11 stone and am Just about still in the healthy weight zone. In about 3 years, I have gone up 4 stone. Some people might call that progress, I call it a catastrophe. I was weighed the other day and the woman said to me 'ooh, I am so proud of you, soon enough we can get this 'eating disorder' taken off of your current medical conditions list. Aren't you excited? You've gained 4 stone, its brilliant!' I was sat there almost crying. I knew when I started this 'help' thing I'd have to gain a considerable amount of weight, but from the second I started really committing to it, I haven't weighed myself, not once. She completely ruined my whole resolve about actually eating. I thought doctors were supposed to know to never mention weight to people with 'eating disorder' on their medical record? Isn't that like a big rule? Surely it is. Maybe she thought I could handle it now I'm 'so much better!' she definitely thought wrong. I came home today and really really really wanted to cut, but I had nothing to use. I tried using the scalpel my friend got me the other day, but it was blunt, so it didn't really do anything. I have a whole bunch of tension and anger and splitting sadness to get rid of and I have no means of getting rid of it. I know one thing for certain. There is no way I'm eating anything for at least the next two days. I can blame my sudden loss of weight that is to come on my Uni stress. There's a lot of it. I hate myself. Anyway. No pictures tonight, I don't have the energy to find them, sorry. Bye my Angels <3

I just need distractions.

Constantly lying to everyone is getting so difficult. Its like a battle with what I want to say and what I need to say, its exhausting. Sometimes I just don't want to be asked if I'm okay or if anything is wrong because its too hard to say "I'm fine" and put on that smile that helps prove it in people's eyes. Today has been a hard day. An impossibly hard day, to the point that if one more person asks me how I am I'm likely to break down or something and just spill exactly how I am and make them regret asking that generic question. I'm glad I have the weekend to compose myself, that's all I can say.
 I'm told that always thinking about a person you like is normal. That its a natural reaction to relate things back to them or think about what they'd like. I don't understand it but I'm experiencing it nonetheless. I HATE IT. I cant even stop it.It will stop eventually I'm sure. Its such an embarrassing reaction. I'm a really easy blusher anyway and I can just feel myself going red every time I think of anything, like someone is going to somehow read my mind and realise that I'm not the cold hearted bitch I like to make out I am. Its awful. I've even been listening to Meg singing (from Hercules) to try and get back my resolve on the whole 'I cant possibly ever think about love, its not a thing I have time for.'
 I don't have time to sleep this weekend either. I can't even pretend that everything is how it was via my dreams because I don't have time for them. That sucks. I miss my weird, slightly creepy, extremely perfect to me, dreams. 
 I'm about a 0.5 today. I am blaming this poor mood on the fact I'm having to deal with actual feelings. I cant comprehend feelings, I don't know what to do with them, they make me confused and scared and nervous and angry and sad and everything else all in one. I need to get drunk. Really really terribly drunk, with someone I don't care about at all, that will just mindlessly fuck me. That is what I need, a distraction. Everything will be okay if I just distract myself from feelings long enough. They'll disappear. I genuinely think that is my answer to everything lately. 'Just ignore it, it'll pass.' Fat chance. Still, I guess I am allowed to dream. Bye my Angels <3

Everyone leaves in the end.

There used to be a guy who made me weak in the knees. Not many people liked him but I didn't care, because to me he was my favourite. He was the first person that ever truly made me nervous and happy at the same time. Taking my breath away wasn't an easy thing to do but he managed it. And because he affected me so, I had to run. I was petrified of being hurt, too scared to give him the chance he asked me for. With hindsight that's probably what really kicked off my avoid getting close to people at all costs mantra. Now I feel like I'm heading down the same road I went down with him and I can feel myself pushing him away. I don't know how to deal with people staying. I can accept, understand, even sympathise with people who leave. Like, you see those people on films that don't leave when you tell them to, that stay when you try and push them away and I don't understand them, I've never known that to happen but if it did I wouldn't know what to do. It's become like an art to me, perfecting my technique of pushing people away. It's all I have. And when it comes down to it, it's not like people really care enough to stay anyway, they are off just as quickly as they came into my life. People are all the same and I know that's taring everyone with the same brush and thats bad but it's true. Everyone leaves in the end.

Why, why, why.

"Why won't you hug me?" "Why don't you high 5 people or hold hands?" "Why do you count your fingers sometimes when you think no one is watching" "Why do all of your things have to be laid out neatly and in a certain way?" I don't mind these kinds of questions about my...cleanliness issues. I can deal with whys, you can make people understand when they ask why, you can elaborate and make them see that its not an abnormal thing. The questions I don't like all start with "Can you" or "Does that mean doing ____ will annoy you (and then they proceed to do the thing that they just asked you about to see if it really does bring about a reaction)" I don't understand how, in this day and age, with all we know about differences in people, there are still people out there who will go out of their way to make me have a nervous break down just because they are scruffy and unclean and don't understand my need to have things in a certain way.
 I went to the doctors the other day and I almost broke down in her office because she was putting all of these things on my fingers and my arms and I just knew they'd been used on like 500+ other germy people that day and I could just see all these germs being absorbed into my skin, I could just feel myself getting more unclean every second these things were on me. I think she thought I was crazy when she asked me what was wrong and I just sat there quietly thinking about all of the dirt from all these other people being put onto my skin by these things that were supposed to gauge whether I was ill or not, they were going to make me ill all by themselves. I hate the doctors. Turns out, I have to have blood tests in a weeks time. The one thing I cant cope with. Self inflicted blood loss is fine, I know how that's going to feel, but the unknowing that comes with blood tests scares me. I like to know. I'm good at knowing. I can prepare for what I know. What's worse is that I have to have an asthma check after this so I'm going to be light headed and try and puff into a measurey thingy and its going to be really weak and I'm going to get put on a higher inhaler again and I was almost off mine.
 My Ex/Ex-best friend got with another girl the other day, after she'd sworn off girls for good. I'd like to think it was because she was missing me and was trying to replace me, I know its not that, but I'd like to think that anyway. I kind of miss her, like, not the way she treated me at the end, because I don't know whether she just felt down on herself or what but that was way too selfish for even me to put up with but, before that, when she used to care about me as much as I did about her, I miss that. I miss having someone to tell everything to and laugh about things with. I keep thinking 'I'll just go and tell ___ about this, she'll want to know' and then realising that even if she did want to know, I couldn't tell her, because she's not in my life. I have no one. Again. I'm better this way. Less people to let down, just myself. Less people to hurt. At least, that's what I'm telling myself this week. Who knows whether I am or not.
 I'm not so good right now. I'm better than I was last time I posted, however, I'm not better than a 2. I'm about a 1. At least its a nice round number instead of the decimals I've been dealing with lately. I hope I get better soon, hope I get higher on the levels. I'm sick of having to fake everything because I don't actually feel happy for people or excited or even marginally okay. Faking takes so much effort. Bye my Angels <3