The monster in a different skin.

My brother almost hit my sister today. He doesn't even care about the fact he frightened her to the point of tears. He doesn't even care that she probably won't trust him around her ever again. He is just walking around the house humming to himself. I don't know what to do. He doesn't seem to realise that he is behaving exactly how the ex-stepfather used to act. It wasn't even me that was almost hit and everything still came rushing back. I don't know if I can deal with living under the same roof (again) as a person who hits people smaller and younger than them. I felt like I was 4 again, like I was back at the top of the stairs with the monster's belt just above me, ready to strike. Like there was nothing I could do about it, the inevitability had already hit home. I tried reasoning with him, tried to tell him to apologise, to at least realise that scaring the life out of a 13 year old isn't right, he didn't listen and I just found myself getting angrier and angrier at the situation. I was sticking up for someone smaller, younger than myself and he didn't care. It just made me feel like if anyone would have stood up for me it wouldn't have mattered, my fate was already sealed. Like the world dishes out the injustices to happen to a person from the day they are born. I hate events that make the past resurface from the locked box in the back of my mind. I feel sick. Its not fair, this shouldn't be happening now, I'm almost three weeks on without a single cut and now this has happened and I don't know if I'll be able to cope without it. How can I possibly cope with this without my coping mechanism? I need to forget but I have no means of forgetting any more. I've ran out of alcohol trying to deal without coping, I have no one to talk to about anything. I am on the edge of going to the bridge again and there's nothing I can do to stop it without ruining what I've been trying so hard to stop. How come my mood never gets any higher than a 3 any more, why don't I deserve to feel a little bit happier once in a while? I'm sick of feeling so scared and worthless and alone. I'm scared. I'm scared that I won't get out of this slump again, now I know my brother has this potential to bring me back to a place that I don't want to revisit. There is just no hope any more. Bye my Angels <3