Holidays are the worst.

I hate easter. I hate any holiday actually, but easter especially. Like other holidays are centred around food for sure and its bad, but none of them are quite on the level of food focused as easter. I wouldn't even mind if I got to spend the holidays on my own, but I have to spend them with family, extended family, at a relatives house, being force fed more food than you could imagine. I didn't eat for a week before I came home because I knew this was coming, I just knew it, my family are all obsessed with food, but not even eating healthily, one of them will cut bread out of their diet for like a week and everyone will get concerned that they're "starving themselves" (so hiding my eating habits is really difficult) I feel vile after today's festivities. It was kind of an easter/sister's birthday party at my nan's house and everyone went all out with the food. My nan made a massive roast dinner (for 11-12 people) and my mum made my sister a birthday cake and a cheesecake, I took less than everyone else on the main course so I was told to go back for seconds, and when I said I wasn't hungry my mum cut me two absolutely massive pieces of cake and requested (ordered) me to eat those. My stomach hurts, my head is screaming at me and it was already bad anyway because my allergies have been really bad and so I've been sneezing up a fit and I don't know if anyone else gets this but if they sneeze a lot then their head starts to really hurt, but it feels like your brain is hurting kind of thing, every time you laugh or cough or something your head gets these bursts of pain? Idk, but anyway, the gist of this is that I'm in pain, and I hate myself, and I hate the fat clogging up my body, and I hate that I'm home for another two weeks so all of the weight I've gotten rid of is going to come back to me with its friends and I'm going to be even bigger than I am now, because there's no way to get it off, I share a room so I cant exercise in my room, and if I got a gym membership back home then everyone (including the old counsellors who think I'm okay and so are leaving me alone) would know, and then I'd be in crap again. I'm so stressed because of these exams that are coming up and I cannot focus in my house because everyone always asks me to do everything and they always disturb me and stuff, but I cant ask to go back early because my mum would be crushed, she's missed me loads and I couldn't do that to her, even though I desperately need to find a way to get my revision done. Mother has booked up my next three days with family visiting too, which I'm pissed off about, I have so much to do, and I don't think she understands the amount of work I actually do have, and yet she feels she knows best so she will just book up my week for me. Tomorrow we're going to visit these relatives of my mum's boyfriend, who never come and visit us, who don't speak to us, who just sit and watch the tv the whole time we're there, and I could use all that fucking time to revise in instead, actually do something with my day, but no, I have to go, even though I never went before I went to uni, so why is it any different now I've been in a different part of the country for a few months? I just need to revise, they can book all this family stuff for summer, when I DON'T have exams starting in exactly a month. My anxiety is sky rocketing, my depression is so bad right now, I've been thinking about suicide every single day, my self harm tendencies are making my skin itch for release so badly, I need to do that to relieve the other two things, but I cant, because I share a room and nothing in this house is private, not even my own body and how I choose to cope with everything going on inside of it. I want to die. I just really fucking hate easter.