Isolation

Last week I pushed away the guy I was almost dating because I knew that he wasn't mentally prepared to handle my crazy. The first few days A.P.A (After pushing away) I don't know whether it was denial or acceptance of my reasons or what, but I kind of avoided feeling anything bad for pushing him away, I knew why I'd done it was legitimate enough and I knew I shouldn't feel bad for it because I was facilitating him having a happy normal life with a girl who doesn't have a breakdown every time she gets even remotely too deeply involved with someone. Now its been about a week and I feel like crap. I still stand by what I did, and know that my reasons are valid, I know he couldn't handle my mental crap at all, like, I cant even handle it most of the time, I have breakdowns if it gets too intense and I've been dealing with this stuff for years, so throwing him in at the deep end wouldn't be a wise idea if I wanted to keep him and not kill him or something, you know? But now, alongside knowing all of that, I keep thinking how fucking stupid it was for me to push away this guy who believed he was prepared to deal with all of my mental baggage, who didn't run away at the first sign of me having pretty heavy mental baggage, but who actually comforted me and accepted this major imperfection of mine. I'm stupid because I know that is a rare thing for someone to do and though I was acting out of a place of consideration for his future, I should have been a selfish bitch and kept him in my present for a bit longer because I'm probably never going to have someone want to do that for me again. I feel really isolated this week, being back in my home town is weird now, I feel like I don't belong here, this was just a place where I spent the first part of my life, but its not where I belong, I have barely any friends here, just family, I don't really hold any emotional attachment to this place, it hasn't been kind to me, and its full of nature so I cant even bask in the beauty of it because I'm surrounded by everything I'm allergic to the moment I step foot outside the house. I've decided I want to travel, I want to travel so badly its unreal, Just moving further down south to go to uni was one of the best things I could have done with that decision, I love being out of my tiny, closed-minded town so much, it was a breath of fresh air and I want that to be an experience I can continue having in life. So second and third year of uni I'm going to get a job, and save save save until I have logically got enough money to comfortably travel, maybe just round europe, or maybe I'll get up enough to take myself to florida and go to disney world (don't judge me, I will always want to go there) I just, I want to see other things, I want to do other things than just this tiny life I'm living, I want to have experiences that I can look back on and think- yeah, I may have all of these mental problems, but at least I did that, at least I had a pretty good life, I did things lots of people at that age didn't, and I fucking loved it. I don't know if this is making sense or what, but I imagine at least one of you out there will catch my drift. Bye my Angels <3