The closer I get to leaving my home town, the more nervous I get. I've been looking forward to leaving since I was old enough to comprehend what university was and that I didn't have to do it from home, but as the days have ebbed away until there's only 12 left to go I cant shake the feeling that anxiety's trying to drown me in its uncertain waters. If I am thinking logically I know I have nothing to worry about regarding university. I already know a few people and I have a few plans to meet up with some of these people when we all get to uni so we don't all feel like lonely bugs who've moved away from the nest in the roots of the tree to a branch way far up it. I like at least two of my flat mates, so I won't be bullied by all of them for the full year I'm there. The area surrounding the university looks different and not awful (though its not as picturesque as my countryside town, I wasn't planning on it being so that's okay) My course content looks good and my timetable doesn't look stupidly over-filled so I can join a society if I want to, and still have time to revise and do my work. I don't know what it is that has me threatening to jump ship, its probably just the moving jitters added to my normal, constant ones, but maybe my gut is trying to tell me something. I went on a gut instinct when I applied to Northampton, I'd never visited, never considered it in my top 5 list until like a week before deadline date for the UCAS application, and when I saw it and read about it, and it all fit my criteria/check-list, something inside just clicked and I knew that if I was going to go to university then I was going to try and make sure I went to this one, a gut instinct was all I needed to convince me of my decision (as they're usually 100% accurate) but what if its not accurate this time and I'm moving 3+hours away from my home to a place that's not going to be right for me? I'm doubting all my gut decisions lately, because I don't know whether I'll be right about this university one, its throwing me off balance so badly.
I went and saw the therapist lady again this morning (A 6am wake up to see her at 9am was not the best, but) She tried to touch on my past 'relationships' and I freaked out a bit, I closed off from her because they're too painful to even think about, I'd rather live in denial about the amount of times I've been abused than talk openly and in detail about it to someone I don't know actually cares yet... You know? She's lovely and all, and has a very likeable personality, hell, she even smokes which is hilarious when we talked about 'damaging behaviour' today and we had like a ten minute conversation about why smoking is good for stress but also totally not good for it. I could see myself opening up to this lady, if I only had more time. 3 sessions is not enough to develop a therapist-patient relationship enough to divulge all the dirty little secrets of my past, not by a long shot, it took me like 6 months to tell (Fire) I was cutting again, and we'd had a year of that kind of relationship.
I haven't spoken to my best friend in a while, I think she's purposely pulling away because I'm leaving, and I do not have time to deal with another person's insecurities right now, I'm too busy trying to squash my own and get mentally prepared for university. (I know that sounds mean, and I love her to pieces, but right now I wish we could focus on me a little more than her, I mean, its not like she's attempted to contact me either...) I wouldn't have started feeling like this had she not ditched me at the pub the other day, first she sat away from me all night, and then she left with her 'its complicated boyfriend' without saying a word. I was petrified for her, I didn't know what had happened, that is until I realised he had left too and she'd gone to a party with him without saying a single thing to me, the person she'd gone to the pub with. So I stopped making all the effort after that because I'm sick of being the only one properly invested in a friendship, and her leaving with a guy, without saying a word, after sitting with him all night in the first place, just highlighted that I cared more about the friendship than she did. (I hope you guys don't think I'm just being a crazy bitch or something? Because it actually really hurt me, and got me thinking about all the other times I'd cared more about the friendship than she had, which when I thought about it, was a whole heap of times)
I got a new phone finally! I can finally make and receive calls off speaker (You don't realise how big of a deal that is until you've had people listening in to your conversations for over a year)
Anyway, my head is starting to stress again (a lot) so I'm going to leave you guys with my ramblings and hope some of you care enough to read them and maybe reassure me that everything will be fine and that I won't have to cut off contact with my best friend altogether because of her lack of emotional investment (Hell, even call me a bitch for being so self-obsessed if you can give me your reasoning, I really don't know how to handle that situation, and if I try to talk to her I'm sure she'll either get really mad at me, or try and ignore it, or even not understand how much she's hurt me, so please, other suggestions than 'talk to her'?) Bye my Angels <3
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