My new adventure.

I have been at university for a week and two days and it already feels like a home to me. My flat mates are already a family to me, they're so sweet and caring and funny and sarcastic (that was a big worry for me because I was afraid they'd all be straight laced and get offended every time I made a sarcastic comment or something) I understand what people mean now when they say that the friends you make in university stay with you your entire life, I can't imagine my life without these new additions to my family. I'm glad I get on with them so much really, because my brother didn't with his first flat mates and I was so afraid that everyone here was going to hate me. Freshers week was really good, I enjoyed it for the most part, I had a slight hiccup on the bar crawl night, I'm generally not good with lots of loud drunks and confined spaces and that night was no exception to that general rule. I had a mini anxiety attack (mini compared to ones I usually have) and had Amy come and sit outside with my whilst my body cried it out and dealt with the fear, she seemed cool about it and she has only mentioned it once in a jokey manner which I appreciate immensely because she could have just told everyone and made a massive deal out of it, but she didn't. I think one small blip on a whole week of events and drinking is pretty impressive myself, it shows I'm getting stronger, or more capable of dealing with things, or something like that so yay for me.
 I've found out I have no half term in October though, so I'm here until the 20th of December, that's kind of difficult, I was looking forward to seeing my family in the half term because I miss them all like crazy, but I guess I'll just have to stick it out and wait because there's nothing else I can really do, I cant justify the train fare for a three hour+ journey when I live on £5 a week and the train fare would blow maybe two months budget in one go.
 My father is coming to visit me on Saturday, I'm nervous about that. He's a massive trigger of mine, one of the biggest to be honest, and I know that if he pokes holes in my new resolve I'm likely to break again, and I really don't want to explain new cuts to my flat mates since they don't know about that part of my life at all and I want it to stay that way for as long as possible. I love my dad, I do, he's gotten better at being a dad lately, he doesn't take the piss out of my mum in front of me any more and he doesn't try to put me in the middle of any maintenance battles that are going on with the CSA like he used to do all the time. He's interested in my life and seemed genuinely proud of me for getting into university on my own he posted it all over online and was crying in front of me telling me how proud of me he was, so he really does seem like he's trying to be a better dad to me and I'm so glad about that because I need my dad in my life, I'm not going to try and lie to myself and say I don't, but I was getting to the end of my tether and it was getting to the point where I was so down every time I saw him that I was constantly seriously considering suicide because I just couldn't handle how he was treating me along with the massive pressure that was coming from my mum and being put in the middle of constant arguments that weren't actually any of my concern. I know fretting about seeing my dad is silly now he's trying harder, but it still makes me nervous, probably because of how I felt about it for years, I don't know.
 My nightmares have decreased slightly, I still wake up sometimes in the middle of the night with tears down my face and an image of my death in my mind, but they're less scream inducing now apparently because I haven't woken any of my flat mates up in the middle of the night with them, so that's good. I'm still not particularly happy about only being able to remember dreams where I die, but we cant pick and choose these things so I guess I'll have to grin and bare it.
 I joined the gym again yesterday, I feel confident enough that I won't go overboard on the exercise like I did last time, and anyway, new town new rules, the doctors cant exactly tell me no when I'm no longer in their care. I know I can handle it, I wasn't strong enough back then, but now I am, I can control myself. My flat mates that went with me were amazed though, apparently they'd never seen someone go for it at the gym like I did, they couldn't keep up with me, I didn't tell them that I'd been waiting for the day I could re-join a gym since year 11. They didn't need to know that, they'd get concerned. They were also amazed at my recovery time, they were on their backs for like half an hour after trying to keep up with me, I went at full speed for a good 45 minutes longer than them and only needed a 5 minute water break, had no muscle pain, and was ready to go again. I guess I still have some kind of stamina from when I used to go like 5 hours a day... If I couldn't keep the figure I think its only fair I retained something from those days besides niggling voices in my head and a warped view of myself. RIght?
 I'll try not to stay away as long this time, I've just had so much going on and so much new to get used to that it's been difficult to find time to post, or time where my thoughts are coherent enough to post. Wish me luck on my new adventure? Bye my Angels <3