So much to say.

Sorry about my lapse in posts lately, I've been super busy and super emotional so every post I tried to write just ended up as a jumble of words. I have a lot of news though, so maybe the amount in this post will make up for the ones I've missed? Who knows. Anyway!
 First thing's first, I got into university. (This is a really big deal) I got into university all on my own, I didn't go through clearing or get given a place because the course wasn't full enough at the end of clearing, I got in on the merit of my own grades, I got exactly what I needed and I am so proud of myself. I didn't think I was even remotely smart enough to get a B and 2 C's, but I did it, I am prouder of those grades than I was of my GCSE ones, because not only did I beat my brother's A level grades, but I got into uni! (I'm going to keep coming back to that phrase because its so unbelievable to me, its the biggest achievement of my life.) I felt really bad for a lot of my friends, because even a whole bunch of the super smart ones like (Angel) and (Z) and (S) weren't satisfied with their grades, they didn't get what they wanted, what was expected of them, what they needed for their first choice uni's, I know this is selfish but I really wish they had have done, because I couldn't really even celebrate my success because all my friends were unhappy with their marks and I knew they felt like I was gloating as it is, but I don't think they realise that those grades were the proudest moment of my life, I wasn't gloating, I was shocked and insanely happy and finally proud of myself. Its been 4 days and I still haven't gotten over my shock, I keep expecting a phone call saying 'those weren't your real grades, there was a mix up, you failed all of your A levels.' But so far nothing like that has happened so I'm having to accept that maybe this is real life. So yeah, I'm travelling down the country in a month's time, away from my nice rural town in the middle of the hills, to Northampton, hours away from everyone and everything I know and love. I couldn't be more excited, or scared...You know me, I've been given a month to think about how much people could hate me and what could go wrong, but I'm not going to let that happen, this is my fresh start, its my new beginning, its time for me to stop thinking about all the things that could go wrong, stop being so negative and start enjoying myself. My only responsibility in Northampton will be to myself, and that'll be good for me, I can live by my own rules, set my own timetables, buy my own food, come home from the pub when I feel like it, its all free reign for me to decide. That is the single most petrifying and exhilarating thought ever, I can finally have some freedom.
 Another thing that happened was that I let myself feel for a guy, found out my best friend also felt for him, and he chose her (like always) that hurt like hell. It wasn't a shock to me though, she's perfect, she's pretty and smart and funny and kind and wonderful and normal and so much more than I could ever be. They always pick her, I literally cannot compare to her at all, maybe they see me for a split second as a possibility, but then they see her and I'm not even an afterthought. I shouldn't let it hurt me as much as I do, I don't think she means for them to all choose her and for her to like the people I like so I have no chance of getting them, its not her fault, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt any less. I just keep worrying that if I get a boyfriend at uni, when he meets her, he's not going to want me any more, he'll be just like all the rest of them, and I'll just have to deal with it. Its just not fair any more, why I couldn't even be slightly okay looking, and why she got all of the pretty in the world is beyond me.
 The dreaded date also came and went by, there were several tears and it was so much harder to deal with this year than the years prior, but its gone now for another year, and no one at uni will have to know about it because it doesn't fall in term time (small mercies) No one will have to know about anything I don't want them to, I will not be looked at like damaged goods any longer. That's the plan anyway...
 My dad is supposed to be taking me shopping on Saturday, for uni clothes and other things I will need. I have to admit he's being super good to me this year, I'm still wary of him, but 18 years of distrust doesn't go away easily, I'm enjoying spending time with him while I can, I don't expect it to last, it never has before, but for now he's acting like a dad and its so nice. I didn't realise how much I wanted a dad until I finally had one who wanted to know me, it's bizzare how I could block out that want really. (Z) is also coming shopping with me, because she understands how hopeless I am at shopping for flattering clothes, and appreciates that I will literally just buy tonnes of jumpers without guidance, so that should be fun, I don't know when I'll see her again after that, because we're both going to uni's far away from each other and we don't live near each other now anyway, so it'll be nice to have a day with just her out of our friendship group, we had fun last time so it should be good this time too. Anyway, how is everyone? I hope okay. I'll write again sooner next time (hopefully). Bye my Angels <3