Got my first university 'hater' for no reason the other day, is that like a rite of passage or something? It was horrible though, no matter how much light I make of the situation now. I'd been super nice to this girl because she's one of my flat-mate's girlfriend, so I was like, lets be accommodating and friendly because we'll probably be seeing each other a lot in and outside of the flat. She literally only knows my name and hates me, I don't understand it, I'm not one of those people who say they've done nothing if they've done something, I don't see the point of not owning up to actions if you were intent on doing them in the first place you should always take accountability for them in my opinion, so when I say I have done nothing nasty or wrong to this girl, I genuinely mean I have done nothing (to my knowledge) that should cause this girl to hate me as much as she does. She excluded me from a friendly meet-up (that also included my friends and flat mate) the other day, just because she didn't like me, and what made it worse was that no one stood up for me or said 'no, she can stay, she's our friend' that was really shitty. I felt like my whole world was collapsing at the time, I was like "It's happening again, it doesn't matter where I go, how many new people I meet, I will always be that back-up friend that's not really a friend, people will always hate me regardless of how nice I am to them, there must be something inherently wrong with me to cause such hate in people that only know my name." As you can probably imagine years of anxiety from being bullied all rose to the surface in quite a violent way and I ended up finding release from the horrible thoughts in my head and the nauseating tears in a blade. It had been close to 8 months and my clean streak was ruined because I cannot contain or deal with nasty thoughts coming from others or from myself. I was eventually talked down from the (metaphorical) ledge (there aren't many ledges round here for me to climb onto) by my mother who explained that I was being "fucking stupid, everyone gets people in life that hate them for no good reason, even the most likeable people in the world." I needed her straight talk, I can always count on her to call me an idiot enough times until the message gets through that I'm acting irrationally and emotionally.
Uni is starting to feel like a home to me, I miss my actual home and family so much, but I couldn't stay there forever and I'd accepted that I had to start making my own way in the world, without the comfort of a family household to come home to every night so I think that's why the adjustment period was reasonably painless. There are three other people in the flat that I consider to be a family to me, regardless of how they feel about me. Now they're in my life I don't know what I'd do if they suddenly weren't.
The visit from my dad wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, he brought me food and gravy (because its almost impossible to find bisto down south, like, who even chooses to use oxo over bisto? Its unnatural) and disney plasters, because he saw them and decided he couldn't walk past them without getting them for his disney obsessed daughter. That was nice, I knew he'd been partially listening to me for the past 8 months he's really been in my life then, and he hadn't just been biding his time and pretending to care about what I had to say until he could get rid of me through uni. Its an odd feeling to know that he cares about me in his own way. I know and he knows that its going to take a lot to get past the fact he wasn't in my life really for the first 17 and a bit years of my life, but I think we're finally starting to move past that and mend some fences that I burned down at 16 and full of rage at the fact he'd never been in my life but was completely willing to be in this American's life and her child's. I think he finally understands how shitty he made me feel by leaving me fatherless for years, and only seeing me when he needed to parade me around to his friends or because his mother told him to. I could be completely wrong and he could just be playing the long game and planning on never seeing me again after I've had a year at uni, but I don't think he will, I hope he won't.
Anyway, I have a boat load of reading to do. Bye my Angels <3
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