I just can't deal with any more of this.

My cousin's 18th on Saturday was worse than I'd anticipated. I knew no one of the 80+ 18 year olds there apart from family. The alcohol was ridiculously expensive, like £5 for a single vodka expensive. The people were loud and over the top and annoying. And my family were pissed out of their trees so I had to look after them. There were fights between the older generation and the younger generation, there were fights between couples and non-couples, there were tears, yells, punches, everything one would expect from a Mancunian party. I anticipated all that, I know my family all too well, I know they cant help getting pissed and making arses of themselves, I braced myself for that the minute I put on my heels. I didn't appreciate or welcome the unexpected attempt at getting me down an alley by one of my uncle's friends. Some 40+ year old built like a tank man, no fat on him just a ton of muscle trying to drag me down an alley was probably the scariest thing that's happened to me in a while. I couldn't even move, I knew all the stuff I should have done to get him off me, I just couldn't do any of it. I could hit or scratch or kick or anything, I just struggled a bit. I was so afraid. They tell you in self-defence classes that you have to try and stay calm in those situations, and not let your mind go off on a tangent, but I couldn't stop it, in that moment I saw everything that could have happened and I was frozen with fear. They don't prepare you for the blank your mind draws when its actually in a situation where you need to defend yourself. What would have been worse was if my dress wasn't stretchy and he actually managed to tear it. I'd have had to walk back into the party with a ripped dress and no explanation that wouldn't have got someone torn to shreds. I was so glad my cousin's friend (S) came out to find me, before he completely damaged my mental heath for another 4 years, because my cousin was in a state, crying because her boyfriend had started a fight. I've felt like I was close to tears for days but I just haven't managed any, they don't seem to want to come out, like they're as afraid as I am that if they do I won't ever stop. I have this sickly feeling deep in my stomach that this is going to be my life forever, I'm just going to get settled and okay again and then someone is going to come along and spoil my calm. I don't know if I'll be able to deal with many more of these attempts at overpowering me and my will. I just don't think I'm strong enough. I never have been strong. Bye my Angels <3