Not my usual doodling style.

It is my birthday in less than a week and I am so not excited. Maybe its just the fact I have mocks this week or something else a little less college based but whatever it is that is causing me to feel like slitting my wrists and calling it a day was not this dominant in my mind last week. I was sat in a mock today, waiting for it to finish and not paying attention to what I was doodling on a scrap paper sheet, I only realised I'd drawn a really nice looking collection of things to commit suicide with when my teacher asked me what it was I was drawing that had me so fixed because the exam was over and I should be leaving. I had never left a room so fast in my life. I don't usually do things like that, in exam rooms, even mock exams, the doodles I create are more spiral patterns or a list of things I'd rather be doing with corresponding drawings to emphasise my lack of want for the exam. This caught me off guard, its probably just because I haven't been sleeping well lately and my barriers always droop slightly when I'm tired so something probably slipped over one that I don't usually permit to get out of the cage, but still. I really am trying to be extra good with my little habits, I'm trying not to cut or burn or bruise or purge or over exercise or fast or really do anything damaging to myself but if there was ever a time for needing to get rid of some of the tension inside me then this is it. I need the clarity that comes with blood, its not like I've ever forgotten what a clear head feels like, how much it helps me, if I had then maybe I wouldn't see this as an option but I know the calmness that follows the cut and my hips have been burning for days for help. (Fire) is going to be so disappointed in me but at the moment I don't care, at the moment she isn't my priority, my sanity is. That's not to say she isn't important, I value her opinion very much but there's only so much I can listen to it before the pain of following her advice gets too much and I need the release she swears against. I'm sure you understand. My UCAS form finally got sent off today, hopefully I'll get offered places to uni's, but until I find out if I have or not my stress level is going to be right up there, if I get one offer I'll be happy, one offer will be fine, my stress will decrease then, because I have somewhere to go after college, I have a plan for my life then and we all know how much I love plans. And just in case you were wondering, which I know you weren't, my mood is about 0.2. Bye my Angels <3