'I wished you'd die.' Oh...

Today was absolutely horrendous. Why my head feels the need to give me a day or two of calm and then a month of torture I wish I could understand. It was turning everything against me today, jokes, things not related to me, laughter, quietness, you name it I was made to ache for it. My friend B (or at least I think she's my friend, lately I'm not too sure she really likes me at all, more like she tolerates me because I'm friends with her friends, but that's beside the point) said she wished on a star that I died because she thought that was what my best friend would have wished for and I literally felt like dying. I couldn't have felt worse about myself than I did at that moment. Like, do I literally inspire that much hatred into people's hearts that they wish me dead? Can I really be that disgusting that people would rather see me in a grave than around them? And the fact she said that it was what my best friend wanted, well, that was probably the most cutting thing ever. I feel like my heart has been ripped open but left in my chest so I can feel it bleeding. Why would she say that if she didn't think it were true? And why does she think its true if its not? He hates me, he wishes death on me and apparently everybody knows it apart from this fool who thought he was her best friend. Why I thought I could have friends is beyond me, why I thought I was good enough for people to want to be around me I don't know. But they obviously don't. Do you know when you feel your whole world just...dissolve around you until the only reminder it existed is the ache in your head and heart because they remember what you lost? Well times that feeling by about a thousand and that is what is going on with me right now. I thought my life would be different after I decided to try and live it properly, I started being nicer, trying to be friendlier, I did the typical friend things like try and meet up outside of college to watch films or something like that and I was blown off, told it was weird that I was being nice, I've been told I may as well go back to being a slut because at least I did something useful back then. How am I supposed to want to live when people would rather do anything but be around me? How haven't I noticed that people would rather die than be around me? I guess I've just been holding onto the hope that people might get used to the idea of me being around, that they might be able to tolerate me after a while, might be able to maybe accept me. Obviously not. And now I have to think, if B, who really doesn't talk to me all that much about anything, can hate me as much as she does, then what about all the other people that talk to me more than her, they must absolutely detest me. I feel sorry for them, they've actually had to cope with speaking to me. Poor them. I don't know what I'm going to do tomorrow, because now I know that they all hate me, I am not sure I can even be around them, before B's comment today I thought it was just my typewriter tape voices talking and that I shouldn't listen to them because they couldn't know what other people felt towards me, now I know they do, how will I ever face them again? How can I even go near them knowing that my presence sickens them so much so that they literally wish for my death. And the worst thing is, I just keep wondering how long they've hated me for, and what on earth I have done that is so awful that they want me to die so badly. What is so bad about me? Why do they want to hurt me this much? Why is it always me? Why cant I catch a break for once? Why? Bye my Angels <3