When I read books in the past and you had these whiney female protagonists who were so conflicted about everything and confused, I never understood how they could be like that. I never realised just how much feelings can mess a person up. I used to have such a perfect order of life, everything was in place, I felt secure in my emotions, or rather, lack of emotions. Things were so simple before I decided to feel. Now I just feel like the annoying protagonist writing about my emotions and crying every night. 6 months ago if I'd have cried I'd have scolded myself for being so fucking stupid and I'd have suppressed anything I was crying about and got over it, never to shed a tear on the subject ever again. I'd give anything to go back to that mental state, where everything can be solved with a good plan and order. My mind is chaos now, structured chaos, far from the neat order I love. I mean, don't get me wrong, some good things have come out of how I am now, I've been able to open up to people and get closer and friendlier to the people I want to. I've been able to hug people, which is a biggie because at one point earlier this year my...cleanliness issues got so out of control I had to sit two seats away from everyone in my friend group, on my coat on the seat and wouldn't breathe when one of them was talking to me in case I breathed in their germs, now I don't do that. I just feel like some times its all more harm than good. Even my family has noticed lately that my mood has gone way down. And it doesn't help one single bit that I am now completely and hopelessly conflicted over someone who likes me one day and ignores me the next. Someone who tears me apart every time he discards me and builds me up every time he is perfectly charming. Someone who makes me happy, who makes me laugh like I've never believed I could. I just wish he'd stop messing with my emotions, I feel like this is karma for not believing in other people's emotions before. Fuck you karma.
So all in all I've had a really good go at emotions and they haven't tried to help me at all. I'm starting to hate myself and life so much more, it feels like I never left that period of my life, not even a little bit. Anyway. Bye my Angels <3
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