I have never felt the want to die so much.

Its on days like today where I get a certain kind of clarity on life. The same life that tries to make me believe in fairytales and that daydreams are promises of what is to come. Its not a particularly nice kind of clarity, but its necessary. The realisation hit me today like a ton of bricks; I'm too unhappy. It wouldn't be fair on anyone to bring them into this pit of depression. Even if I really, really, really, really wanted to be with them. It just wouldn't be right of me to subject them to my constant mood swings and hopeless grasps at happiness. It wouldn't be fair to make them stick around and deal with me at my worst. I cant even deal with me at my best, when my mood is averaged out at about 3. My best friend cant even stand me half of the time so I cant expect anyone else to want to put up with me. I would wish to be able to climb out of this hole, but that's kind of like wishing for a pet flying pink monkey riding on a unicorn. I have learnt to embrace my hollow, coldness but I think other people just think I'm exaggerating, like I cant be as bad as I am because they don't think I am. Or I cant be that bad because other people are so much worse so upon knowing that I should just suddenly flip a switch inside of me and be fab. Or because I sit smiling at college I'm just faking being bad. Yep, that's right, because I am great at hiding everything I actually feel from college people I am definitely only pretending to be depressed. The best one I've ever heard was 'you can still get out of bed in the morning, so you aren't depressed, you're just bored.' Because boredom and depression are so easy to get confused. And my removing of myself from bed means I'm happy? How does that account for the people that kill themselves outside of their own bedroom then? Because I would personally never do it in my house, I don't want my family to find me.
 But just from that to me its obvious to see that it would be completely unfair on anyone else to be brought into this life of mine. I even try and keep my family out of it as much as possible, they don't need to know about this either. Its just me, myself and I that will deal with this issue. That fact doesn't make me stop feeling like crying though. That's all I want to do lately, I just want to cry for weeks and weeks and weeks and maybe never stop. I've dropped so much on my scale so quickly that I'm like 0.1 now. I can tell everyone is getting sick of me and my ability to bring people down so quickly, I might just avoid them next year, I am so sick of bringing people down with me, its not their faults I'm like this but I feel like I'm blaming them somehow whenever I make them feel like crap unintentionally. My best friend doesn't even need this drama anyway, he has his own issues to deal with, its not like I'm a help to him, bringing him down isn't going to make him feel any better. Leaving him alone is probably the most foolproof way of making sure I don't make him worse. I might just become a recluse again and ignore the world, hoping it ignores me back. That way I cant hurt anyone.
 I have never felt the want to die so much. I don't know what to do. Bye my Angels <3