I just don't know.

I'm sorry I haven't posted in a week or two, I've been on a sort of roller coaster with my emotions that I was hoping to have sorted out by myself. I'd had my emotions at a place where I thought I was back to controlling them for about a week until this started. I thought that maybe I was getting the hang of this life thing. I thought wrong obviously. My emotions have been messed with right royally, I'm not sure whether I'm fine with it or sad, whether I don't care or I want to burst out crying. I've been messed around with, again. My life is literally people messing me around whilst they're bored and then finding someone better to play with. I've been told 'oh don't worry, its not your fault' and blah blah blah, but I know it is. I think I wear this big neon sign above my head that says something crappy like 'I was made to be messed with' I'm just so sick of it. It doesn't surprise me any more though, like, I have accepted the fact I am not pretty or funny or smart or thin and I'm working on them all for sure but its not working for me, I think I'm just getting worse. I haven't looked at myself in the mirror properly for 2 weeks now because I cant stand the sight of myself. I have absolutely no desire to live right now, everything is killing me slowly, I have been so good not cutting but I cant put it off any more, too much has built up in me, who knows, maybe I'll be so out of practice that I slice somewhere important and get my way for once.