'I wish I'd killed you off before you were born.'

There's nothing worse than my father being in one of his 'I hate you, you're my biggest mistake, I wish I'd killed you off before you were born' moods. If you're already feeling crap in yourself that mood is just not what you want to be faced with. At the moment I'm at 0.1. I am literally so close to death I can almost taste it, can hear it whispering to me, telling me that it would never treat me this badly, that it will wait patiently for me for as long as it takes. You'd think I'd be used to his abuse by now, that I'd have gotten used to any insults he can throw my way, any threats he can think up, but I'm not. It still tears me apart every time. I wish I knew what I'd done to make him hate me so badly. Maybe it was just because I was born. Maybe it was because I was born a girl. All I can do is speculate about the reasoning behind his hate, but I don't think I want a definitive answer, I think that would be just a bit too much realism for me to deal with, that would definitely be the day I hugged death and thanked it for waiting for me. I just feel so hopeless. My own blood shouldn't hate me as much as this, shouldn't wish death on me, surely he should at least want to know me? This is where past me would have held in the tears and squashed everything she was feeling so it could fester deep in her soul. I miss that reaction, now I just cry hideous tears and hope I forget how to breathe so I drown in them. If it was possible to etch away at emptiness to reveal something worse, something emptier beneath it, that would be what happens every time I meet with my father. I'm not even a shell of myself any more, I'm a shadow. I'm all dark lines and baseless darkness, just waiting for the clouds to come overhead and get rid of me. I wish I didn't exist. I wish I didn't cause all of this hatred in people, I don't deserve to live if all I do is cause people pain and unnecessary resentment. I feel like if I tried to scream I'd probably just crumble. This is just another day of pain I will have to keep to myself and pretend didn't happen. Just another year of tears to come from it. I wish I wasn't used to this. Why cant I be in one of those happy families? Why do I have to live through this life when other people don't? Why me? Bye my Angels <3